We're floating apart. And I don't Like It.

Someday I'll Have Everything

Christmas was ok. It wasn't the best of course, but it came with the usual. Presents, food and arguments. I had to open the presents from my dad out in the cold because he wasn't allowed in, but he did get me the bestest present ever. A car. Now I just need to learn to drive.

I weighed myself without clothes on for the first time in ages. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. Around 138 point something. This I can live with because soon enough I'll be loosing again.

I found out some interesting news after a good gossip with the bestie. Apparently the ex was planning on proposing to me on Christmas day but then we had another argument a week before which stopped him. I'm 17, i don't want to get engaged. Especially to someone who makes me feel so bad.

But then on the other hand, I did love him. But that's in the past now, I'm over him. I think. I've stopped facebook stalking him, I've stopped talking about him and he doesn't enter my thoughts. As often.

Guy from work is very flirty. Maybe I am too. Who am I kidding, of course I am. I think he was getting the wrong idea but we're back on track now. We're good friends and I'm really glad of the company.

I'm back to exercising as from today. I stopped for a while, talking to certain people on msn rather than whipping my butt into action. My priorities are back on track.

Major shopping spree earlier, almost £200. All baggy tops of course but sooner or later I will slide into a size 6 top and smile at my reflection. That is my dream :)

Have A Note..

I have repetitive strain injury from typing too much and I fear my mum is going to ban me from the laptop... Great. Will post about christmas another time, hope you all have lovely days and even if I can't blog, I'll keep reading. Love you all xx

It's Christmas

Well here (the UK) it's half past twelve so Merry Christmas everyone :)

I always knew the festive period wouldn't be a thin period but I haven't gained much. What i have gained I hope its just due to my period and I should lose it again once I'm off.

I'm looking forward for today though. I haven't been, but today I started feeling a little christmassy and now I can't wait. Today also signals the start of a new me. I've made a list of new years resolutions and I'm going to start them early. I shall post them soon. Plans have been made and I'm sticking to them.

I've noticed how happier I've been without the ex. We shouldn't have continued, we were both unhappy in the relationship and I'm just so glad to be free. I just need to stop facebook stalking him. He's out of my life so I shouldn't feel the need to watch his every move.

I've re-discovered the Plain White T's. I used to listen to them and they were mentioned the other day so I downloaded their albums and I have to say, why did I ever stop listening to them? Amazing!

It's also getting surprisingly easy to eat less. Whereas before food would be in my mind at all times, now i have distractions in the male form. They don't realise it of course, but they are saving me. I thank them for that.

I'll post after Christmas day :) Wishing you all the best and hope you get lovely presents. xxx

So Close To The Edge

I am a mixture and variety of feelings and emotions. I cancelled my work experience. I went yesterday, some was good, most was boring. They don't have much on because it's near Christmas so I asked if another time was more appropriate such as in the Summer. She said "yeah that's fine."

So now i have more free time this week. Lets get the simple things out of the way. Work (not experience) was major boring. You'd think it would be busy, almost being Christmas and everything but no. I'm worried. The shop is sinking and I don't want to go under with it.

Got work again today, just had a shouting match with the sister because she wanted to go shopping and to the cinema but i simply don't have time to do both because I have work later. I wish she'd hurry up and grow up and realise that we have responsibilities in this life.

I gave my sister my old jeans which are too big for me, and it turns out they were too small for her! I know it's cruel but I feel like dancing or something at that thought. She's 4 years younger than me.

Guy from work (R) has been questioning our relationship. He keeps saying, what is this? I agree it is confusing, the amount we flirt anyone would think we were a couple, or at least liked each other. The thing is, I don't see him like that and he's still getting over his ex (maybe I'm still getting over mine?)

Last night we stayed up until 6 in the morning just talking and flirting. We've arranged to go out tomorrow, that should be interesting. He's a good friend and I don't want it to develop into something more.

The other person, P. I can't get him out of my head. I haven't been able to speak to him since (broken phone, lives reasonably far away) so I don't know how he feels. He's one of those people who flirts with anyone who will give some back, you know? I'm worried that's all I am to him.

I used to fancy him, before I got with the ex. At the time he fancied me as well but we didn't know each other well enough to do anything about it. Then I met the ex and... Me and P continued to speak and we've grown closer and closer. I think I'm liking him.

On the other side, i logged in to facebook, went on the ex's profile and he's already changed his status back to single. So that lasted, what? A whole 2 days! Was it worth all the being bitchy to me. No!

Also he's changed him little "about me section" to life is fucked up as usual. Okay, I crave attention sometimes, but he is the biggest sob story ever. At least I don't let the whole world know every time something goes wrong.

I should go talk to the sister. I'm seriously lacking in Christmas gifts and since it's only 3 days away that's something I need to get on top of... Unless my daddy loves me enough to take me places :P

Eating wise it's not good. I'm sure it'll settle down soon though. On the bright side my weight isn't really increasing, just fluctuation between 136-139. Once I'm back on track it should start going down again. :)

And BTW, thank you so much for your comments on my last post, your all lovely and you keep my spirits up :) Love you all xxx

How Do We Just Move On?

Anyways, so that explanation. Basically the ex removed me as a friend on facebook and set his status as in a relationship. He was only texting me the otherday, saying he had hope. This alone sent me to tears but it got worse...

He set his status to something like "My life is so much better than it was." When his sister commented he went on to say that he had got rid of one bitch in his life and now he's happier, his sister said what her? It's about time...

I cried myself to sleep.

It's selfish though. I don't want to go out with him or anything, but I don't want him to be with anyone else. I feel disgusted that he would even talk about me in that way when only a few days ago he was saying he still loved me. I didn't think it would affect me like this though.

And I'm the one who's supposed to have changed.

I think I'm going the wrong way about it though. I spend the day with best friend and guy friend (um,, P) It was a fun day. Then at another friends house me and P were flirting, and on the drive home we both sat in the back and cuddled up to each other.

I think I'm just attention craving. I'm major flirting with guy from work as well. I got a bit drunk last night just so i had the excuse to be more flirtacious. Uh Oh, I smell trouble.

Working all day tomorrow, and tuesday, and maybe Wednesday as well. Should be a good distraction. I think I need it... :)

Be Beautiful girls xxx

Kiss and Tell

I don't feel like eating. Just like getting insanely drunk.

Why is it when relationships end, they turn malicious? I hate Him. Update Later.

The Only Exception

First the depressing bit. The scales aren't being particulary friendly at the moment. I know this is my own fault. If I wouldn't abuse my body so much then this wouldn't happen. I'm back up weight wise and I know why. I've been happy recently and I use it as a reason to eat. And eat. And eat.

I work the weight loss tricks best when my mood is low. It gives me something to concentrate on. Something to achieve. Something which would make me happy. Then it all goes downhill again. This cycle is going to stop. Do I want to ruin all the effort I've put it!

Anyway, I got an offer for my first choice university! As long as I achieve my predicted grades at A2, AABB, then I'm going to Cardiff University Baby. Nothing is going to stop me then.

Hmm, this is going to take a bit of work. It'll be worth it. Anything that is worth something takes hard work. That includes this lifestyle I've chosen. Common, think thin and achieve it.

Also I'm getting really close to this boy from work. I don't like him like him or anything but it's nice to have a close friend again. He brings my mood up. I'm constantly texting/ instant messaging him. Other friends are teasing me, saying how I like him. Why isn't it possible to just be friends with a boy?

Film The World

What is the point in school if you just come in to watch videos for half the lesson and then leave. Wouldn't it be easier to just cancel the thing so we can have a lie in, and do something productive. Like exercise?

I haven't had a very good fast the last two days. I ate today as well. I still weighed 136.4 this morning so after I've got this eating thing out my system I'll go back to fasting.

It's not even binging. I'm keeping it to less than 1000 calories and I know what I'm doing but it's like, I can't not eat. Strange. It's not normally like this.

Cinema tonight and I'm not expecting to pig out on all the food. I'm eating, almost, normally. Okay, a little less than normally but still. As normal as it gets for me. I'll probably just get a drink.

When I come home I'm going to work my arse of exercising though. That's the plan anyway. I might miss school tomorrow as well, especially if all we are doing is wasting time. Why not start the holidays early?

I got my first university offer! All I need is 260 UCAS points to get in. Easy. I'm predicted 440, 560 if you include the baccalaureate.

I got news from another university too. I'm expected to go for an interview on the 27Th January. This isn't great news. I'm scared already and it's two days before my psych exam which means I have more to prepare for. Just what I need..

I'm offski, hopefully I'll be back on the fasting train soon. This is a blip. Thank you all for your support as well, especially Zephora who called me a thinspiration :) I don't think I'm that. Not yet anyways :P xx

You're In Love

This morning I weighed 136.4 lbs. A whole pound since yesterday. The thing is, I've weighed another three times after this and it keeps going up. I'm going to stick with 136.4 though because thats what I weighed immediatly after waking up.

I'm going to make this day productive since I'm not in school. So far it hasn't been sucessful but I'm going to do as much school work as I can until I have to go to work later. It'll help me stay away from the kitchen.

I may have to have something before work though. I'll keep it minimal, soup or maybe some toast. Definatly no chocolate.

Whens Lent? Maybe I could give up food :P

A Little Bit Of Hayley

I was ment to post this last night but the internet went down and I was too tired to do anything about it.
Hayley Williams ♥
NB: This isn't a picture taken at the concert yesterday. I Googled ;)

Paramore & YM@6 ♥ ♥

This morning I weighed 137.4 lbs. So not quite a whole pound lost but it's good enough for after only one day of fasting. I weighed just now as well and At 11.37 at night I still weight, 137.4 lbs. Not Bad.

That Paramore concert was tonight. Paramore and You Me At Six were amazing. I was near the front of the crowd. I was being shoved and elbowed from all sides. Trust me, I am in so much pain right now. But it was worth it.

Waiting in the freezing cold for three hours made my legs go stiff though so I was in pain before I even got in there. Then jumping up and down for about four hours. Let hope some calories were burnt in that process :)

They played a mixture of songs from their new album (Brand New Eyes) and some of their old stuff, which I love. And You Me At Six have got a new album coming out in January. Of course I was screaming the words along with the rest :P

I ate today. Doing so well in my fast, then I go and eat 5 small chocolate bars. I hate Mondays as that's when the food shopping is delievered. That's all I ate though all day, so hopefully tomorrow I will be down again.

No more eating until I weigh 134.

The concert was amazing thinspiration though. Hayley Williams is beautfilly skinny and their music attracts all the skinny emo/ scene kids. Exactually who I wish I could be. It's put me in an amazing mood and I'm even more determnined to loose weight.

I had a bath in the middle of blogging so I'm not so hot and sticky anymore thankfully. No school for me tomorrow, I'm spending the day "recovering." Besides. It's Christmas. The work we are doing is minimal anyways...

Through The Times

I appologise in advance, I'm probably going to be blogging more and more during this fasting period. :)

Its 12 (dinner time) and so fat I've survived. My nan has arrived to cook Sunday dinner for us all. The potatoes are my particular weakness. I have a plan though. I'm going to bring my food unstairs, cut it up and flush it down the toilet. That way, there is no evidence that I didn't eat it.

I just need the willpower not to shove the potatoes and gravy down my throat. It shouldn't be to hard, its only day one.

I'm keeping myself occupied by doing the school work thats piled p. Tonight I'm going to exerice for a full hour. Recently I haven't made it that long and I've been stopping at 45 minutes but tonight will be different.

I need to stock up on energy drinks for tomorrow. Going to a concert on no food for two days won't be the best idea so I'm hoping maybe some sugarfree Red Bull will keep me going. It normally does :)

Means to an End

Starting Date: 13th December 2009
Diet: Fast
Starting Weight: 138.2 lbs
Diet Length: Until I reach 134 lbs
Guidelines: Consume no food products.
All drinks must be minimal calories/ diet.
Total calories per day <200
Cheats: Only if I am dying of hunger.
10 Calorie soup in a mug

Let the weight loss begin :)

Making Changes

I seem to have hit a weight plateau, the scales seem to like hovering between 138 and 139. I can't do anything about it today, working an 8 hour shift. If I don't eat it's a nightmare and plus I'll have my manager on my case.

Starting tomorrow (Sunday 13th December) I'm starting a fast until I reach 134. Fasts are difficult for me with food permanatly on my mind but I need to do this to make the stubborn scales shift.

I'll post more later, I should be getting ready for work :\ x

On My Own

I'm doing really bad at the moment. Well, I say really bad. I have a few slip ups. But anything which strays from the plan is a disaster. I had a milkshake today. I Terry's chocolate orange milkshake. Disaster.

Exercised like crazy. Tomorrow is always a new day :)

Fighting With Herself

Go eat the Kit Kat, what difference is it going to make?
It's food! It's chocolate! It's calories.
Common, it's only 107 calories. That will take your total for the day to about 900, still way under your BMR.
But I eat the Kit Kat and I'll want more. I'll eat the kitchen until there is nothing left in the fridge or cupboards.
No you won't. It's a Kit Kat. Afterwards your craving will be gone.
I would have to make up for it tomorrow.
Yes, you can do that. Easy.
But what if I crave chocolate tomorrow. Or something more. What if tomorrow's a bad day, then I would regret that Kit Kat today.
You want the Kit Kat though. It would make you happy.
No. Being 100 pounds would make me happy.
You could still reach your goal! Your not getting there anytime soon anyway.
100 pounds. People who weigh 100 pounds don't eat Kit Kat's. They show self control. Giving in to cravings just makes myself seem weak and vulnerable. I want the self control that those slim people have. I want their body, a visible sign of their work. It's worth it.
But the Kit Kat.
No. No kit Kat. I can make this. I have to try.

Lying To Herself

I have exercised for the first time in, forever and now I have a lot of school work to do. Something always has to compromise, but why should that be the case?

At the moment I'm 139 but it's the evening so I better be less in the morning. I'm going to change the scales back to stones because that's what I was using before all this and seeing that 9 stone is so encouraging.

I'm fighting the urge to get a kitkat. I'm going to win. It's simple :)

Travelling Endlessly

Today has not been a good day.

It was going fine at first. I had the motivation I needed to get through the day with no food. Everytime I thought about eating I stopped and thought of the body I would have, the strength i could show and the confidence i am capable of.

How did it go wrong? I had a free lesson forth which is normally when people go in for lunch. Normally I go home during such occasions but my mother had told me I couldn't today because she would be out and she wouldn't give me a key.

I thought fine. I have no money anyway I can't afford food. But of course my friends were worried about me and offered to pay. I kept saying no until I couldn't any longer. I ate half a plate of tuna pasta and it was disasterous from then.

I'll write today off. This isn't going to bring me down. I was 138 this morning and tomorrow I'll make up for today and exercise! Something I never do, simply because I don't have the time. I'll get up early tomorrow and get on my wii fit so an early night for me because I won't be able to get up otherwise. I'm not a very good morning person.

I'm going to keep trying until I reach my goals. I've come so far already, why stop? Yes I'm angry at myself for today. But I've spent my time being angry, scared and upset now I'm ready to face the next day.

Thank you for the comments as well :) I find them really motivating. I'll try comment you guys when I gots some time xxx

I Absolutely Love Her

Ooh. Followers. That was a nice surprise. Hello :)

Today's going ok and it will continue this way. Its about 12pm and I've eaten about 300calories. I'll eat another 400 today at random times because that is supposed to keep your metabolism stable.

I'm filled with a new determination after yesterday's disaster. After writing down everything I can eat for each day, I'm determined not to sway from the list. No more chocolate, I had enough chocolate yesterday to last a lifetime (I'm not counting advent calender chocolate of course)

I was 139 this morning.

Lets plan this out a bit. I want to be about 134 for the concert. Slightly ambitious so I hope I can reach it. No. Determination. I will reach it. That's the 14Th. So the Christmas works party which is the 19Th I'll aim for 130.

I'll try and maintain this 130 until after Christmas when I will start losing weight again. Of course it would be amazing to continue to lose weight over Christmas but I think it's a little impossible. We'll see how far I can resist those Christmas temptations.

Determination. Motivation. Courage.

Since this was triggered (It's been triggered multiple times but this is the most recent) I've lost 20pounds. Another 40 pounds and I'll be a winner :)

My ultimate motivation is the New York and Washington trip. This takes place next year, April/ May time. I want to be at my skinniest for this holiday. I want to go on a massive New York shopping spree and come back with loads of tiny clothes.

100lbs please.

More good news. My learning coach has looked at my UCAS application and approved it. Now it just goes to head of sixth and I should start to get those University offers. Fingers crossed for Cardiff. That's the only place I really want to go.

I watched a programme on skinny celebrities yesterday which basically had a count down of the top 10 based on how low their weight was and how often their weight was discussed in the papers. I didn't see the top two, I was falling asleep. But it was a pleasant surprise to see how many of these skinny celebs are actually in the healthy BMI range. The low end but still.. :)

I Can't Escape

Ok, this is slowly turning into a weight loss blog. I can't seem to help it. Weight is such a big deal to me and it creeps into every thought i have. Calorie numbers fly around my brain whenever i pick up something to eat.

I'm back up on my weight after a binge yesterday. I'm so ashamed so I won't put how much I weight on here. It's too shameful. But I'm back on track and I will be 134 for the concert. That's a week today.

I need to make a plan to stop me from failing. Plans will always help. I hope. I call my eating days metabolism days because I'm not eating for the sake of eating. I'm eating so my metabolism won't stop working. Which means I eat something little every 2-3 hours.

This week's plan
Monday- Fasting.
Tuesday - Metabolism (around 800 calories)
Wednesday - Fasting
Thursday - Fasting
Friday - Metabolism (around 800 calories)
Saturday - Eating
Sunday - Fasting.

Ok, enough weight talk. My two fingers on my right hand really hurt and have swollen. It even hurts to type this. When are things going to stop going wrong?

This Is The Story ♥

All that hard work. Gone. This morning I weighed 138. I was thinking. Fabulous. Fasting day today and my weight will just keep disappearing. One high fat milkshake, McDonald's, chip shop visit later and here I am.

I have work tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating anything. Please let me see the number 138 again. I'll do better.

I'm going to a music concert on the 14Th. My aim is to be 133 pounds by then. That's 5 pounds to loose in a week and a day, should be easy so I'm determined to get there.

No More Weight Talk.

Work is getting better and better for me. I can almost call everyone there my friend. This is so unusual. If you know me, you'll know it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend because I'm not considered "popular" or anything like that but I value true friendship.

A friend isn't someone you talk to occasional if no one else is available. A friend is someone who you'd invite out with you, invite to your birthday party and talk to a lot of the time.

I don't have many friends.

So this work thing is a big deal for me. I talk to everyone in the store, and I really enjoy my job because of this. There are a few people I don't talk to because it's not convenient like they work in a completely different area to me. But I would talk to them if i could.

I brought my dad's birthday present today and I've given it to him. I haven't finished buying Christmas Presents though. It is so difficult. I'm not even completely sure who I am buying for.

I've spent the evening dwelling on my food intake and doing psychology work. My productiveness so far this weekend? Minimal. And I have work all day tomorrow. I've never worked a Sunday before. It's less hours which means less money but hopefully it'll be a little quieter than Saturdays :)

Changing subject

My Ex keeps making me feel guilty and changing his mind about what he wants. One minute he wants to be my best friend, the next he doesn't want to talk because it's "too difficult" for him. Sometimes he wants to meet up and go out, then he cancels. Whatever.

I'm fed up of you.

I spent last night looking after my sister's very drunk friend. Not my idea of fun. she reminds me of me when I'm drunk though. She was showing anorexic tendencies as well, and she's a skinny little thing. I'm worried about her. I know what it's like to be so weight conscious and she's only thirteen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so tired, going to wash my hair and maybe head to bed. Or do a little psychology work first, who knows?

Favourite Song of the moment: Nine Days - Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)

Remember Me ♥

It's better for the whole world to know you, even as a sex star, than never to be known at all.

1, 2, 3 ♥

Bugger. I promised this wouldn't turn into a weight blog but look at my last proper post. Oops. Sometimes it just takes over my life and I can't help it. I'm not at my target. I aimed 138 by today but I'm 139. At least I'm in the 130's. I can be thankful for that at least.

Yesterday all I ate was some pringles, advent calender chocolate and soup. I shouldn't have but I can't do I full fast or I'll break down and binge. I was being harsh when I set that target of 300 calories a day until after Saturday. Today is a metabolism day so its eat little and often.

138 tomorrow?

I went for a walk yesterday with the ex. It was quite awkward actually. More than I thought it would be. Plus I was freezing my arse off so I was getting grumpy and my Dad refused to pick me up. I got away with a child ticket on the train though :)

School recently is tedious. I cannot wait until University when I can leave sixth form and this house. It will be really good to have my own space. Not good though to be in debt constantly. That will need some getting useful.

I Want Your Everything ♥

I ate so much, I'm so worried. I was doing fine all day and then I went and ruined it. I don't even know why I agreed to go to the cinema I have loads of work to do. Just something different I guess. A hint at a social life.

Why does the cinema involve food? All sugar-fulled and nice. It's so unfair. I'm going to be such a fat blob tomorrow. I fitted into a size 10 pair of jeans today as well. Only just but I thought it would be enough to stop me binging.

I'm starting a semi-fast tomorrow lasting through to Saturday. Shall I say, 300 Calories a day? Including drinks because I don't like water. And as a reward, I'll allow myself to eat on Sunday. If I fail, Sunday will be a complete fast day and no drinks other than Water the rest of the week.

Please work.

Your Christmas Tree ♥

Just a quick one before I get started on this never-ending mountain of school work which I should be doing.

I have made work experience arrangements, just waiting for them to get back to me again with further details.

Work was fun. I started conversations with every person working. This may not seem like a big deal but it is for me, I used to be so shy it's unbelievable.

I've got so much to be doing but I'll try and update this later. I hate leaving such short posts because this is a record of my life.

First day of advent today. My chocolate was a Christmas tree :)

Get Up, Go Out ♥

Nice relaxed weekend over with. Hello stress and worry.

I haven't done any work for English tomorrow and I'm so worried he is going to use it against me. He's warned us that we have to keep on top of things and he has already reported someone in our class to head of sixth form. I'm very worried.

I haven't done any work for the other side of the English course and I have no direction to go in. It's so confusing, I have about half the work that everyone else has and I have no time to catch up. It would be pointless anyway.

All my psychology notes are jumbled and confusing. My exam is in January and I don't even understand the questions that are going to be on the paper, plus I'm missing notes for some of the essay questions. Ready to Fail.

In Psychology today the teacher put us into random groups for research work. I'm with the one person I hate the most in the whole year. That ignorant little cow who's been spreading lies about me. I was thrilled to see this when I walked into the room. Not.

Sociology lessons are pointless. The teachers just rant at us while I soak nothing in. I basically doodle on my paper or play on my phone. This is not going to help me when it comes to exam time as I will have no notes whatsoever.

History is OK. I need to type up my notes and organise my books a bit but I'm not particularly behind in it, I just have trouble remembering some of the work so I need to spend more time on that.

I spoke to head of sixth today regarding my UCAS application. Basically, it's a waste of time applying for one University I put down as I'm not good enough. My first choice might also be a no-go area because my grades may not be good enough. I'm predicted A,A,B,B plus the Welsh Baccalaureate which is equivalent to an A. What more do they want from me?

I also need to arrange some work experience as soon as possible so I can put that on my statement. Experience is essential. Why wasn't I told this before? Like I don't have enough to do at the moment.

I need to start driving lessons and I should be looking through theory stuff if I want to pass as soon as possible!

I have temporarily given up eating while I sort out my work. I've been ranting at my ex-boyfriend whilst letting myself slide further and further down. Time For Action. I'm going to give myself goals and deadlines which I have to stick to. I'll make a new post for that.

This is a tough time for me so fingers crossed I come out on the other side.

Skeleton You Are My Friend ♥

Ok, my recent Kate Nash addition is officially over. I go through these stages where I'm obsessed with one particular thing, and won't do anything else. It could be music, films, people, hobby or even a particular subject which interests me. I'm not exactly sure what my next obsession is yet. I'm sure I'll soon discover it.

I've gained weight this weekend. I'm not too bothered because I know I can loose it throughout the week. Hopefully. I noticed my chest bones today. Beautiful bones. I'm still not slim enough though. My mum thinks my dieting days are over which is good. My eating in front of her is working then. Tomorrow I shall make a starvation day then Tuesday I'll eat as little as possible. Wednesday shall be a normal eating day. Thursday a starvation day.

138 for Friday please.

I want to get back into photography, but my favourite model has gone out of shape. Me. So Loosing weight will hopefully inspire my interest back up again.

I can tell I'm trying to change who I am. I've dyed my hair darker. It's the first time I've dyed it so I only used a semi-permanent dye. Next time I'm going to try black. I'm also buying clothes I wouldn't normally buy. I brought blue jeans today instead of black. They're still skinnies but they're a different colour. A new coat as well. For me! I hate coats.

I'm re-making myself.

I've had a really good chilled weekend. I probably needed it. The result? I'm behind on school work again. I think it was worth it for me to cheer myself up. I've been so stressed recently, under pressure to reach others and my own expectations. Now I've had a break, I can go back to it!

I've just found a girl from school is promoting herself as a photographer. Actually looking for photography work. I wish I could do something like that. She took photography for an ALevel though, I did not. She has more experience than me. I was not allowed to pressure my hobby as a career. My parents would have been highly disappointed in me.

Living up to their expectations.

Ew. I've got 4 warts on my hands, what am I? Some sort of witch? It's truly disgusting. I've put stuff on them which makes them itch loads. Life is cruel.

Saw New Moon for the second time in the cinema today. I didn't really want to but the sister was insisting. Last night ?I watched Paranormal Activity. It really freaked me out, but didn't have any lingering effects thank god. I was not afraid to go to the toilet, unlike my sister :)

I'm back on talking terms with the ex-boyfriend and the best friend. I hope this lasts I really don't want anymore arguments.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies ♥

Back to good moods. Promise. The Best Friend who believed the liar came crawling back yesterday. As Predicted. She said sorry, she didn't mean what she said. Part of the Conversation:

I'm sorry
i said some stuff last night and it was out of order.
u say sorry too?
for what?
being mean :(
you thought i acted disgustingly towards my mum because some bull that *** said, your supposed to be my best friend
I'm not arguing again
u gunna talk to me?
sure :)

After that the conversation just went downhill again. But I'm not apologising for something that I'm perfectly in my rights to say.

This morning I was 140! Actually 140! Since then I've eaten loads so now its probably double that knowing my luck. Plus I just finished off a mcdonalds. That is definitely my weakness, mcchicken sandwich meal is my addition. I won't eat much tomorrow. 138 by the end of the week? Yes Please :)

Work was alright today. The best work friend was in so of course their was some entertainment. Also, for some reasons, the manager has started to like me. She liked me before but now it's like I'm her favourite and there is no way I'm complaining. As I left she said "Thanks for today." Of course I was like no problem but I was thinking, what did I actually do differently?

She really doesn't like the other girl that was working today, she kept coming up to me and saying but she is odd/ strange/ weired isn't she. I refused to comment, I actually like her.

I had a favourite customer today. She said I have beautiful eyes and I look like a little film star. I was instantly incredibly nice to her of course! Why can't all customers be like that? My self esteem would be through the roof instead of through the floor.

My sisters staying round tonight and we're going shopping tomorrow so fingers crossed it doesn't rain like it did today. And I hope I can find some clothes in my wardrobe that fit me, everything has gotten too small and it looks ridiculous to wear!

It's strange but I see that as a good thing..

Teach Me The Games You Play So Well ♥

I'm finding this motivation thing difficult again. The motivation to do school work comes and goes from me. Recently, I had found it again. Now I'm struggling to sit here and trawl though everything. I wish I hadn't offered to work tonight as well, but that's life. At least it's going to be a short shift, starting at five and finishing at eight. So it could be worse.

I didn't go to school today. I got into an argument with the best friend last night because she believed the lies that's been spreading around about me. I've known her for seven years, and been best friends with her for 4 so you would think she knows me. But her response.

"But she said she was there so I didn't know who to believe."

I wasn't in the mood for school today. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate anyway. I gave my folder to another friend to give in to the office so my work won't be marked as late or anything and my absence is authorised as my mum phoned in for me. Thank you mum.

She Glued Her Lips Together ♥

A Secret Between Friends Should Remain Between Friends. It's An Ounce Of Trust. You Should Treasure That.

I Messed Up, It's Not The First Time ♥

Damn it. I came on my period yesterday so that means there won't be any weight loss for about a week. Damn my period related food cravings. It's already showing. Before I knew I came on I ate crisps, chocolate, toast and dinner when it was supposed to be a starve day. I wondered why I was eating so much.

Today I had chips, and a can of coke, and tea of rice and curry. Loaded with calories. Just what I need. Hopefully this won't last long so I can go back to glorious loosing weight. I hope I don't put on too much weight. That would be disgusting.

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I'm enjoying being single. No tears this time. And I actually told someone the whole story between me and him. A, I trust her billions, I know she won't tell anyone. I said how he twisted everything because he was so good with words, and make me feel guilty for arguments when it was his fault. How I would help him with school and throw it all back with me by not even bothering to go to school.

His ways of manipulating my friends so that I don't even speak to one who I was really close to. He's doing the same now with the Best Friend. I saw them wandering around together today. I was thinking, One guess who they are talking about.

Whatever.

I'm happy though. I don't need that many friends, they're all users anyway. Someone last night gave me hope. Someone I used to talk to, I was never close to them or anything, but they started flirting with me after my facebook status went from in a relationship to that dreaded "Single."

He asked me out today and he asked if I want to go out with him on Sunday. He was telling me how pretty I am and how he's taking a liking to me. No I don't like him like that, and I'm not ready for another relationship, but it's nice to know that I am liked by other people and I won't be held back by past relationships.

Time To Move Forward.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my history coursework in my first two free lessons then I will go into school. I wasn't going to... Laziness. But I will and I'll do all my work. Motivation Needed! Actually, might go round my friends house and watch Gavin and Stacy instead. We'll see...

I'm going to buy a memory stick and label it me and him. Put all photo's in there and documents declaring our 'love' for each other. That way I don't have to face them every time I turn on the laptop. Or maybe I'll make a keepsake box and print everything out. I'll see :)

Never Forgotton.

Last thing. This one girl in my school is permanently spreading blatant lies about me. My mothers in a wheelchair and this girl makes up horrible things that I supposedly do to her. Yes, I don't get on with my mum but no, I'm not a vicious little cow unlike this girl.

Friends who I thought knew me are starting to believe her because she said that "she was there." What is even the point in completely lying. There isn't a single truth in her words. I'll invite people round, tell them to ask my mum if they want because she'll set them straight. childish little cow. I'm furious because my mum is friends with her mum but yet she won't say anything about the matter and this involves her too... I told my dad and he immediately said "I'll sort it."

That's why I love him.

I Wanna Smell Like Roses ♥

Well, that changed. Me and him are no longer together. This is the last break up. There is no way in hell I'm going to go back to him, he showed his true colours.

We had an argument and it was clear that I didn't want to talk to him. So he followed me home and my mum let him in. He of course came into my room and refused to leave. He followed me downstairs and continued to bitch to my mother about me when I went upstairs. He then forced his way into my room and started preaching at me. As I was trying to get him out he pushed me back onto my bed and stormed out.

I hate him.

Seriously though. Why did I let myself get back into that situation? Why wouldn't it just be left after we broke up before. It's only been 2 days and we're back to square one.

What really annoys me though is that when we were going out he would bitch about me to my friends, turning them against me, He did this to E and the best friend at one point and as a result, I no longer speak to E. He is the reason we drifted apart.

I hate him.

He promised he'd do the same thing now I've split up with him. at least if he goes to some of my other friends, they know the true story from my side. Problem is I'm a very private person so any problems, I normally keep to myself letting them build up and up.

Eight and a half months over, just like that. And as a result I relapsed and phoned my Dad to take me to the Chip shop. Luckily, he was busy working and already had dinner. Now this has happened it's going to take extra work keeping my weight down. I was 141 pounds this morning. That is an amazing achievement.

I hate him.

This blog at the moment has all been about him basically. Well now he's out of my life, things are going to change. He is no longer going to affect me. Goodbye boyfriend, hello old friends and hobbies. He Can't get in my way now.

I'm not going to let him...

But It Can Be That Simple ♥

Last night me and the boyfriend split up for what I thought, would be the last time. After all this ranting about it and thinking I knew what was write, I couldn't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up and I continued to cry in school. Surely that's not right?

He came over my house after school. We had decided to stay friends. One thing led to another. We were kissing, hugging. More crying (on both parts.) Now we are back together. It will be better this time though, we had a huge heart-to-heart. I told him everything I didn't like about our relationship and how it's affected my life.

I used to go out on my own, just wandering with my camera and taking pictures. I would spend so much time with my best friends and I was never behind on my school work. In fact, i was normally ahead (nerd I know.) This all changed when I got with him.

I wanted my old life back. But I think (I hope) I can balance my old life and my new life, because I can't do anything without him. I'm not going to see him as often, and he understands. He's not longer going to make me feel guilty about spending time with my friends and time away from him. And when we do spend time together, it won't be at my house all the time. Stop invading my space!

So after the rants I've been having, I found that a break-up wasn't the best thing to do and now I can see my life moving forward.

One problem. My best friend is a self-obsessed, attention-craving Bitch. when my boyfriend went to her with problems, she saw it as her opportunity to try and get on him. I found it weired that he and her were always texting each other since I know what she is like.

We broke up and she was all over him, waiting for him after classes, spending free lessons with him. She was texting him constantly when he was round my house tonight as well. When he said he was back with me she sent him a text telling him to stop messing her around and she really likes him.

She does the same thing every time she gets close to someone. She craves attention, and anyone who gives her some (of any sort) she develops feelings for them. It's a shame she's my best friend. I would have punched her or something by now.

Oh and another downer. I have a huge spot forming at the bottom of my nose. Ew! I can't pop it or anything because of it's awkward position. Life!

Love Is Forever ♥

It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion that once it develops, it never leaves. True love is Eternal.

My Fingertips Are Holding On ♥

I have found the Song which is perfectly relevant to my life at the moment. Well, my relationship anyway. I did a little updating of my ITunes and one was an artist which I used to listen to religiously. I had forgotten about this song but it explains things perfectly.

Foundations by Kate Nash

Yesterday work dragged. My best work friend (A) was making fun of me the whole time because of the new boy. He was showing off basically. "Look at me I'm the big man who can make fun of everyone." I wasn't happy. As soon as the new boy left though, A was back to normal, having heart-to-heart talks with me and expecting me to help him with his job.

How Predictable.

It just goes to show, that it doesn't matter how close you think you are with your friends. It's never real. I don't think I trust any kind of relationship anymore. Family, Friendship, Love. All it does is hurt you in the end so you might as well indulge them for a while but always remember. They're nothing special.

Your in it alone.

I can tell this blog entry is going to be all depressing, feeling sorry for myself. I'm in one of those moods. I can't seem to be happy. I've been angry at the boyfriend, the sister, a friend and random people today. One of those days.

I saw New Moon this morning. It totally lived up to the expectations. The best film I have ever seen, defiantly the new favourite in my books. The love between Bella and Edward. I wish I had something like that. It is unimaginable. It shows how much people who love you can hurt you though.

I Cried.

I've eaten my whole body weight in food this weekend as well, so that is what is affecting my depressive mood. In work, they had chocolates in the canteen, and I couldn't help myself. One, Two, Three, More... Came home from work and ate chips and curry sauce from the shop down the road. Then the cinema today. Chocolate. Pringles. Sugary drinks.

I'm not going to eat for the next 2 days. At least. I'll only start to eat again when I have reached 142 pounds. (It's back up to almost 145.) I'm so ashamed. It takes me weeks to lose weight and then Boom. One weekend where I've overindulged and all that hard work has gone.

Damn it.

Tonight I'm going to tidy my room and do some homework. It's time to get back into old habits. Since going out with Connel I've let myself go. Gained weight and stopped wearing as much make up. Let my room get into a state and my school work is lagging.

The 20Th Century Is When It All Changes. And You've Got To Be Ready.

I'm Breaking Through These Walls ♥

Ok, I don't want to turn this into a weight loss blog like my last one was but weight is definitely a huge issue in my life so it may dominate some posts. I had an eating day today, this is to stop my metabolism from slowing down so much that I don't loose any weight. But I haven't lost any serious weight in ages. I wish I had the time to do more exercise...

This weekend I don't have much compulsory school work to do, so I'm hopefully going to spend my time doing non-compulsory school work which still needs to be done really. Things like sorting out folders and typing up my messy notes. I've started. I'm aiming to go to bed about 11 ish tonight and I'll do work right until then (It's about 8.45 now.)

My last lesson was cancelled today so I was hoping I would be able to go home early and start to type up some notes. But no. Turns out I had missed quite a bit in my Welsh Bac folder and the deadline is today. So I spent my lunch and my last lesson completing that! What a waste of time. I bet I'm not even in the sample. I never am. And I still forgot to give in my check for the America trip and to get the module names of my sociology teacher so I can finish filling in this freaking UCAS form.

New Moon is officially out! I cannot wait to see it, seriously. I've planned to go to the cinema with my sister on Sunday morning to see it. I'm so jealous, some people from school went to the midnight showing last night. They were all dying in school of course but it would have been so worth it. I can't wait to gaze at Jacob's gorgeous body.

Yummy!

Got my ITunes on at the moment. It's in serious need of updating, that's another job for this weekend. Katy Perry is Love. I forgot how good she is. My music taste seems to change daily, one minute it's Panic! At The Disco and the next it's Cheryl Cole. Strange. Buy anyways ITunes has just over 100 songs so updating that might take me a while. Saturday night? I think so.

I'm not seeing the boyfriend again this weekend. I haven't seen him all day either. Maybe he'll get the message? I feel so cruel but I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what to do to be honest. I'm a novice in this situation.

Why Can't He Do It For Me?

I'm drinking Ribena to reduce my hunger cravings. Not really working if I'm honest but it's keeping me distracted. It's too late to eat. My body won't have enough time to burn of the calories so it's just not up for consideration.

Oh Yeah. Something I just remembered. Me and my best friend spent ages waiting in the Sex Clinic yesterday (she had an appointment. Not me!) When she went in, I left to get picked up by my Dad. She rang me afterwards and told me her darkest secret. Seriously no one knows. To be honest, I wish she kept it that way. I wish I didn't know.

I'll write it on here, no one will know who she is anyway. She has some kind of Bladder infection which means she can't always control her bladder. So basically, she wets herself. She wears those pad things for old ladies in her pants - permanently! I didn't want to know this. She took her pad out for the swab and she wet herself.

I feel so guilty because it makes me want to stay away from her. I know she can't help it, and I would never have known unless she had told me. But It's a bit weired and I can't get over it.

Some things should remain a secret.

I have work all day tomorrow, but my best work friend is in, so hopefully he will be able to stop the day from dragging too much! I don't want it to be busy either because then I'm just rushed of my feet, I get tired and I tend to binge eat when I get home. Not a good thing. Shouldn't be too bad though.

I Think This Weekend Is Going To Be A Good One.

There's No Need To Fear ♥

Okay, so me and the boyfriend had the talk. And we're still together. I'm not in love with him anymore but I can't seem to let him go. He kept saying how he still loves me and he doesn't want to dump me, although it might come to that, but he's going to do anything he can to prevent it.

So basically, I couldn't just say "I don't want to be with you anymore." What kind of cruel punishment is that? He would be in bits, he almost started crying when we were talking. So I had to keep reassuring him that I do love him and I do want to be with him.

Problem is, I don't.

How do you break up with someone? Why is it so damn difficult to do. My friends, they've all had multiple break ups so why is it so difficult for those words to come out my mouth.

It was kind of freaky actually. I was out from 3 until quarter to 6 and he stayed by my house and in my house for that whole time waiting for me. Stalker much. He doesn't understand. Even when I said, I have work to do, he continued to take off his jacket. I went downstairs and he had cooked himself some food! Cheeky bastard...

I just don't know what to do next. Maybe I'll see what comes round the corner.

On the bright side, my Dad picked me up from Morrisons and I stopped myself from asking him to take me to the chippy. No tea for me tonight, I hope my weight is down tomorrow. Even by a pound. That would bring a little bit of happiness into my dire life at the moment (:

You'll Make It On Your Own ♥

Me and my boyfriend met through my best friend. We got together too early, before we really knew each other and that ended early. But we tried again. At the start we were happy. Blinded by love I guess. We spent every minute we could with each other and I never stopped talking about him. Literally, every day I would catch the train to Barry Island to meet him. He is my first proper boyfriend and the one I lost my virginity too.

It's been eight months now, and things are a little different.

He lived with my for a long time during the Summer. I think that's when the problems started to happen. Until then we had never argued, not a cursed word about the other had passed out lips. But suddenly he was invading my space and I had no room to breath. I lost contact with my friends, they stopped inviting me out and they moved on. Without me. I was really unhappy.

The argument started. He moved out but continued to stay over my house many times a week. The arguments just continued and it never got better. We started to see less and less of each other but still the arguments continue. I barely see him now, only in school but every time we're with each other the atmosphere turns sour.

Some relationships just naturally come to a close.

I know it can't continue like this, we have tried to make it work. My selfish nature is keeping him hopping along beside me. I simply don't want him to be with anyone else. He is the one I lost the most precious thing to and I won't be able to handle it if anyone else has him. He's mine.

He text me. Thinks we need to 'talk.' Maybe he'll do the dumping for me, so I can pin my upset and blame him. Of course, that's selfish. I don't want to let him go but we are both unhappy in this relationship and It's not going to work. I'm going to meet him later and this time, i won't ask for another chance. This relationship has run it's course and it's time for closure.

It was Lust. Not Love.

Part of me knows the need to let go. The other part wants to keep holding on to the little that remains. I keep thinking, I'll be alone for Christmas. What about the Paramore concert that we're supposed to be going together to? I don't want to be alone during the Summer. I need someone to love me.

But this. It can't be love. Love is an eternal emotion, not something that you can easily let go off. If this is love, what have we got to look forward to? Turmoil? Upset? Disaster? We are just two separate people, joined together and it's not making us happy like it used to.

We can still remain friends can't we. I never want to forget, he has been a huge part of my life. No, don't forget. Cherish the memories. We're not meant to be together and I'll find someone new soon enough. Or maybe later in life, when I have matured and know what Love means.

Love is such an important emotion but yet the words are tossed around as if they are nothing.

Be brave. You can get through this. Take baby steps.

"You say, You've got to live alone. Though it hurts, You'll make it on your own."

A New Chapter

I have had a few blogs before now but I have abandoned all of them. This one is going to remain a secret from those closest to me. So I can let my real side out. I know none of them is going to read it so I can say what I truly think. I'm not really bothered about followers and views, this is for me, helping me through life.

Some days I will write huge long diary entries. Other days maybe just a scribble or two. But this one won't be abandoned as the others have. I'll keep this one. This one isn't going to be discovered like the other two. My secret.This is the life of a girl as she struggles through her last year in school. Here's a bit about her.

Not many friends.
Very shy in big groups and new people.
Mild eating disorder.
Can't find happiness in relationships.
Has a boyfriend at the moment.
17 Years of age.
In school full time.
Works in a store part time.
Day to day life is a struggle.

I am that girl. Here is the beginning to a new chapter in my life.