I Wanna Smell Like Roses ♥

Well, that changed. Me and him are no longer together. This is the last break up. There is no way in hell I'm going to go back to him, he showed his true colours.

We had an argument and it was clear that I didn't want to talk to him. So he followed me home and my mum let him in. He of course came into my room and refused to leave. He followed me downstairs and continued to bitch to my mother about me when I went upstairs. He then forced his way into my room and started preaching at me. As I was trying to get him out he pushed me back onto my bed and stormed out.

I hate him.

Seriously though. Why did I let myself get back into that situation? Why wouldn't it just be left after we broke up before. It's only been 2 days and we're back to square one.

What really annoys me though is that when we were going out he would bitch about me to my friends, turning them against me, He did this to E and the best friend at one point and as a result, I no longer speak to E. He is the reason we drifted apart.

I hate him.

He promised he'd do the same thing now I've split up with him. at least if he goes to some of my other friends, they know the true story from my side. Problem is I'm a very private person so any problems, I normally keep to myself letting them build up and up.

Eight and a half months over, just like that. And as a result I relapsed and phoned my Dad to take me to the Chip shop. Luckily, he was busy working and already had dinner. Now this has happened it's going to take extra work keeping my weight down. I was 141 pounds this morning. That is an amazing achievement.

I hate him.

This blog at the moment has all been about him basically. Well now he's out of my life, things are going to change. He is no longer going to affect me. Goodbye boyfriend, hello old friends and hobbies. He Can't get in my way now.

I'm not going to let him...

I'm Breaking Through These Walls ♥

Ok, I don't want to turn this into a weight loss blog like my last one was but weight is definitely a huge issue in my life so it may dominate some posts. I had an eating day today, this is to stop my metabolism from slowing down so much that I don't loose any weight. But I haven't lost any serious weight in ages. I wish I had the time to do more exercise...

This weekend I don't have much compulsory school work to do, so I'm hopefully going to spend my time doing non-compulsory school work which still needs to be done really. Things like sorting out folders and typing up my messy notes. I've started. I'm aiming to go to bed about 11 ish tonight and I'll do work right until then (It's about 8.45 now.)

My last lesson was cancelled today so I was hoping I would be able to go home early and start to type up some notes. But no. Turns out I had missed quite a bit in my Welsh Bac folder and the deadline is today. So I spent my lunch and my last lesson completing that! What a waste of time. I bet I'm not even in the sample. I never am. And I still forgot to give in my check for the America trip and to get the module names of my sociology teacher so I can finish filling in this freaking UCAS form.

New Moon is officially out! I cannot wait to see it, seriously. I've planned to go to the cinema with my sister on Sunday morning to see it. I'm so jealous, some people from school went to the midnight showing last night. They were all dying in school of course but it would have been so worth it. I can't wait to gaze at Jacob's gorgeous body.

Yummy!

Got my ITunes on at the moment. It's in serious need of updating, that's another job for this weekend. Katy Perry is Love. I forgot how good she is. My music taste seems to change daily, one minute it's Panic! At The Disco and the next it's Cheryl Cole. Strange. Buy anyways ITunes has just over 100 songs so updating that might take me a while. Saturday night? I think so.

I'm not seeing the boyfriend again this weekend. I haven't seen him all day either. Maybe he'll get the message? I feel so cruel but I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what to do to be honest. I'm a novice in this situation.

Why Can't He Do It For Me?

I'm drinking Ribena to reduce my hunger cravings. Not really working if I'm honest but it's keeping me distracted. It's too late to eat. My body won't have enough time to burn of the calories so it's just not up for consideration.

Oh Yeah. Something I just remembered. Me and my best friend spent ages waiting in the Sex Clinic yesterday (she had an appointment. Not me!) When she went in, I left to get picked up by my Dad. She rang me afterwards and told me her darkest secret. Seriously no one knows. To be honest, I wish she kept it that way. I wish I didn't know.

I'll write it on here, no one will know who she is anyway. She has some kind of Bladder infection which means she can't always control her bladder. So basically, she wets herself. She wears those pad things for old ladies in her pants - permanently! I didn't want to know this. She took her pad out for the swab and she wet herself.

I feel so guilty because it makes me want to stay away from her. I know she can't help it, and I would never have known unless she had told me. But It's a bit weired and I can't get over it.

Some things should remain a secret.

I have work all day tomorrow, but my best work friend is in, so hopefully he will be able to stop the day from dragging too much! I don't want it to be busy either because then I'm just rushed of my feet, I get tired and I tend to binge eat when I get home. Not a good thing. Shouldn't be too bad though.

I Think This Weekend Is Going To Be A Good One.

There's No Need To Fear ♥

Okay, so me and the boyfriend had the talk. And we're still together. I'm not in love with him anymore but I can't seem to let him go. He kept saying how he still loves me and he doesn't want to dump me, although it might come to that, but he's going to do anything he can to prevent it.

So basically, I couldn't just say "I don't want to be with you anymore." What kind of cruel punishment is that? He would be in bits, he almost started crying when we were talking. So I had to keep reassuring him that I do love him and I do want to be with him.

Problem is, I don't.

How do you break up with someone? Why is it so damn difficult to do. My friends, they've all had multiple break ups so why is it so difficult for those words to come out my mouth.

It was kind of freaky actually. I was out from 3 until quarter to 6 and he stayed by my house and in my house for that whole time waiting for me. Stalker much. He doesn't understand. Even when I said, I have work to do, he continued to take off his jacket. I went downstairs and he had cooked himself some food! Cheeky bastard...

I just don't know what to do next. Maybe I'll see what comes round the corner.

On the bright side, my Dad picked me up from Morrisons and I stopped myself from asking him to take me to the chippy. No tea for me tonight, I hope my weight is down tomorrow. Even by a pound. That would bring a little bit of happiness into my dire life at the moment (:

You'll Make It On Your Own ♥

Me and my boyfriend met through my best friend. We got together too early, before we really knew each other and that ended early. But we tried again. At the start we were happy. Blinded by love I guess. We spent every minute we could with each other and I never stopped talking about him. Literally, every day I would catch the train to Barry Island to meet him. He is my first proper boyfriend and the one I lost my virginity too.

It's been eight months now, and things are a little different.

He lived with my for a long time during the Summer. I think that's when the problems started to happen. Until then we had never argued, not a cursed word about the other had passed out lips. But suddenly he was invading my space and I had no room to breath. I lost contact with my friends, they stopped inviting me out and they moved on. Without me. I was really unhappy.

The argument started. He moved out but continued to stay over my house many times a week. The arguments just continued and it never got better. We started to see less and less of each other but still the arguments continue. I barely see him now, only in school but every time we're with each other the atmosphere turns sour.

Some relationships just naturally come to a close.

I know it can't continue like this, we have tried to make it work. My selfish nature is keeping him hopping along beside me. I simply don't want him to be with anyone else. He is the one I lost the most precious thing to and I won't be able to handle it if anyone else has him. He's mine.

He text me. Thinks we need to 'talk.' Maybe he'll do the dumping for me, so I can pin my upset and blame him. Of course, that's selfish. I don't want to let him go but we are both unhappy in this relationship and It's not going to work. I'm going to meet him later and this time, i won't ask for another chance. This relationship has run it's course and it's time for closure.

It was Lust. Not Love.

Part of me knows the need to let go. The other part wants to keep holding on to the little that remains. I keep thinking, I'll be alone for Christmas. What about the Paramore concert that we're supposed to be going together to? I don't want to be alone during the Summer. I need someone to love me.

But this. It can't be love. Love is an eternal emotion, not something that you can easily let go off. If this is love, what have we got to look forward to? Turmoil? Upset? Disaster? We are just two separate people, joined together and it's not making us happy like it used to.

We can still remain friends can't we. I never want to forget, he has been a huge part of my life. No, don't forget. Cherish the memories. We're not meant to be together and I'll find someone new soon enough. Or maybe later in life, when I have matured and know what Love means.

Love is such an important emotion but yet the words are tossed around as if they are nothing.

Be brave. You can get through this. Take baby steps.

"You say, You've got to live alone. Though it hurts, You'll make it on your own."