Skeleton You Are My Friend ♥

Ok, my recent Kate Nash addition is officially over. I go through these stages where I'm obsessed with one particular thing, and won't do anything else. It could be music, films, people, hobby or even a particular subject which interests me. I'm not exactly sure what my next obsession is yet. I'm sure I'll soon discover it.

I've gained weight this weekend. I'm not too bothered because I know I can loose it throughout the week. Hopefully. I noticed my chest bones today. Beautiful bones. I'm still not slim enough though. My mum thinks my dieting days are over which is good. My eating in front of her is working then. Tomorrow I shall make a starvation day then Tuesday I'll eat as little as possible. Wednesday shall be a normal eating day. Thursday a starvation day.

138 for Friday please.

I want to get back into photography, but my favourite model has gone out of shape. Me. So Loosing weight will hopefully inspire my interest back up again.

I can tell I'm trying to change who I am. I've dyed my hair darker. It's the first time I've dyed it so I only used a semi-permanent dye. Next time I'm going to try black. I'm also buying clothes I wouldn't normally buy. I brought blue jeans today instead of black. They're still skinnies but they're a different colour. A new coat as well. For me! I hate coats.

I'm re-making myself.

I've had a really good chilled weekend. I probably needed it. The result? I'm behind on school work again. I think it was worth it for me to cheer myself up. I've been so stressed recently, under pressure to reach others and my own expectations. Now I've had a break, I can go back to it!

I've just found a girl from school is promoting herself as a photographer. Actually looking for photography work. I wish I could do something like that. She took photography for an ALevel though, I did not. She has more experience than me. I was not allowed to pressure my hobby as a career. My parents would have been highly disappointed in me.

Living up to their expectations.

Ew. I've got 4 warts on my hands, what am I? Some sort of witch? It's truly disgusting. I've put stuff on them which makes them itch loads. Life is cruel.

Saw New Moon for the second time in the cinema today. I didn't really want to but the sister was insisting. Last night ?I watched Paranormal Activity. It really freaked me out, but didn't have any lingering effects thank god. I was not afraid to go to the toilet, unlike my sister :)

I'm back on talking terms with the ex-boyfriend and the best friend. I hope this lasts I really don't want anymore arguments.

Teach Me The Games You Play So Well ♥

I'm finding this motivation thing difficult again. The motivation to do school work comes and goes from me. Recently, I had found it again. Now I'm struggling to sit here and trawl though everything. I wish I hadn't offered to work tonight as well, but that's life. At least it's going to be a short shift, starting at five and finishing at eight. So it could be worse.

I didn't go to school today. I got into an argument with the best friend last night because she believed the lies that's been spreading around about me. I've known her for seven years, and been best friends with her for 4 so you would think she knows me. But her response.

"But she said she was there so I didn't know who to believe."

I wasn't in the mood for school today. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate anyway. I gave my folder to another friend to give in to the office so my work won't be marked as late or anything and my absence is authorised as my mum phoned in for me. Thank you mum.

I Messed Up, It's Not The First Time ♥

Damn it. I came on my period yesterday so that means there won't be any weight loss for about a week. Damn my period related food cravings. It's already showing. Before I knew I came on I ate crisps, chocolate, toast and dinner when it was supposed to be a starve day. I wondered why I was eating so much.

Today I had chips, and a can of coke, and tea of rice and curry. Loaded with calories. Just what I need. Hopefully this won't last long so I can go back to glorious loosing weight. I hope I don't put on too much weight. That would be disgusting.

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I'm enjoying being single. No tears this time. And I actually told someone the whole story between me and him. A, I trust her billions, I know she won't tell anyone. I said how he twisted everything because he was so good with words, and make me feel guilty for arguments when it was his fault. How I would help him with school and throw it all back with me by not even bothering to go to school.

His ways of manipulating my friends so that I don't even speak to one who I was really close to. He's doing the same now with the Best Friend. I saw them wandering around together today. I was thinking, One guess who they are talking about.

Whatever.

I'm happy though. I don't need that many friends, they're all users anyway. Someone last night gave me hope. Someone I used to talk to, I was never close to them or anything, but they started flirting with me after my facebook status went from in a relationship to that dreaded "Single."

He asked me out today and he asked if I want to go out with him on Sunday. He was telling me how pretty I am and how he's taking a liking to me. No I don't like him like that, and I'm not ready for another relationship, but it's nice to know that I am liked by other people and I won't be held back by past relationships.

Time To Move Forward.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my history coursework in my first two free lessons then I will go into school. I wasn't going to... Laziness. But I will and I'll do all my work. Motivation Needed! Actually, might go round my friends house and watch Gavin and Stacy instead. We'll see...

I'm going to buy a memory stick and label it me and him. Put all photo's in there and documents declaring our 'love' for each other. That way I don't have to face them every time I turn on the laptop. Or maybe I'll make a keepsake box and print everything out. I'll see :)

Never Forgotton.

Last thing. This one girl in my school is permanently spreading blatant lies about me. My mothers in a wheelchair and this girl makes up horrible things that I supposedly do to her. Yes, I don't get on with my mum but no, I'm not a vicious little cow unlike this girl.

Friends who I thought knew me are starting to believe her because she said that "she was there." What is even the point in completely lying. There isn't a single truth in her words. I'll invite people round, tell them to ask my mum if they want because she'll set them straight. childish little cow. I'm furious because my mum is friends with her mum but yet she won't say anything about the matter and this involves her too... I told my dad and he immediately said "I'll sort it."

That's why I love him.

But It Can Be That Simple ♥

Last night me and the boyfriend split up for what I thought, would be the last time. After all this ranting about it and thinking I knew what was write, I couldn't stop crying. I cried myself to sleep, I cried when I woke up and I continued to cry in school. Surely that's not right?

He came over my house after school. We had decided to stay friends. One thing led to another. We were kissing, hugging. More crying (on both parts.) Now we are back together. It will be better this time though, we had a huge heart-to-heart. I told him everything I didn't like about our relationship and how it's affected my life.

I used to go out on my own, just wandering with my camera and taking pictures. I would spend so much time with my best friends and I was never behind on my school work. In fact, i was normally ahead (nerd I know.) This all changed when I got with him.

I wanted my old life back. But I think (I hope) I can balance my old life and my new life, because I can't do anything without him. I'm not going to see him as often, and he understands. He's not longer going to make me feel guilty about spending time with my friends and time away from him. And when we do spend time together, it won't be at my house all the time. Stop invading my space!

So after the rants I've been having, I found that a break-up wasn't the best thing to do and now I can see my life moving forward.

One problem. My best friend is a self-obsessed, attention-craving Bitch. when my boyfriend went to her with problems, she saw it as her opportunity to try and get on him. I found it weired that he and her were always texting each other since I know what she is like.

We broke up and she was all over him, waiting for him after classes, spending free lessons with him. She was texting him constantly when he was round my house tonight as well. When he said he was back with me she sent him a text telling him to stop messing her around and she really likes him.

She does the same thing every time she gets close to someone. She craves attention, and anyone who gives her some (of any sort) she develops feelings for them. It's a shame she's my best friend. I would have punched her or something by now.

Oh and another downer. I have a huge spot forming at the bottom of my nose. Ew! I can't pop it or anything because of it's awkward position. Life!

You'll Make It On Your Own ♥

Me and my boyfriend met through my best friend. We got together too early, before we really knew each other and that ended early. But we tried again. At the start we were happy. Blinded by love I guess. We spent every minute we could with each other and I never stopped talking about him. Literally, every day I would catch the train to Barry Island to meet him. He is my first proper boyfriend and the one I lost my virginity too.

It's been eight months now, and things are a little different.

He lived with my for a long time during the Summer. I think that's when the problems started to happen. Until then we had never argued, not a cursed word about the other had passed out lips. But suddenly he was invading my space and I had no room to breath. I lost contact with my friends, they stopped inviting me out and they moved on. Without me. I was really unhappy.

The argument started. He moved out but continued to stay over my house many times a week. The arguments just continued and it never got better. We started to see less and less of each other but still the arguments continue. I barely see him now, only in school but every time we're with each other the atmosphere turns sour.

Some relationships just naturally come to a close.

I know it can't continue like this, we have tried to make it work. My selfish nature is keeping him hopping along beside me. I simply don't want him to be with anyone else. He is the one I lost the most precious thing to and I won't be able to handle it if anyone else has him. He's mine.

He text me. Thinks we need to 'talk.' Maybe he'll do the dumping for me, so I can pin my upset and blame him. Of course, that's selfish. I don't want to let him go but we are both unhappy in this relationship and It's not going to work. I'm going to meet him later and this time, i won't ask for another chance. This relationship has run it's course and it's time for closure.

It was Lust. Not Love.

Part of me knows the need to let go. The other part wants to keep holding on to the little that remains. I keep thinking, I'll be alone for Christmas. What about the Paramore concert that we're supposed to be going together to? I don't want to be alone during the Summer. I need someone to love me.

But this. It can't be love. Love is an eternal emotion, not something that you can easily let go off. If this is love, what have we got to look forward to? Turmoil? Upset? Disaster? We are just two separate people, joined together and it's not making us happy like it used to.

We can still remain friends can't we. I never want to forget, he has been a huge part of my life. No, don't forget. Cherish the memories. We're not meant to be together and I'll find someone new soon enough. Or maybe later in life, when I have matured and know what Love means.

Love is such an important emotion but yet the words are tossed around as if they are nothing.

Be brave. You can get through this. Take baby steps.

"You say, You've got to live alone. Though it hurts, You'll make it on your own."