We're floating apart. And I don't Like It.

Someday I'll Have Everything

Christmas was ok. It wasn't the best of course, but it came with the usual. Presents, food and arguments. I had to open the presents from my dad out in the cold because he wasn't allowed in, but he did get me the bestest present ever. A car. Now I just need to learn to drive.

I weighed myself without clothes on for the first time in ages. I haven't gained, but I haven't lost either. Around 138 point something. This I can live with because soon enough I'll be loosing again.

I found out some interesting news after a good gossip with the bestie. Apparently the ex was planning on proposing to me on Christmas day but then we had another argument a week before which stopped him. I'm 17, i don't want to get engaged. Especially to someone who makes me feel so bad.

But then on the other hand, I did love him. But that's in the past now, I'm over him. I think. I've stopped facebook stalking him, I've stopped talking about him and he doesn't enter my thoughts. As often.

Guy from work is very flirty. Maybe I am too. Who am I kidding, of course I am. I think he was getting the wrong idea but we're back on track now. We're good friends and I'm really glad of the company.

I'm back to exercising as from today. I stopped for a while, talking to certain people on msn rather than whipping my butt into action. My priorities are back on track.

Major shopping spree earlier, almost £200. All baggy tops of course but sooner or later I will slide into a size 6 top and smile at my reflection. That is my dream :)

Have A Note..

I have repetitive strain injury from typing too much and I fear my mum is going to ban me from the laptop... Great. Will post about christmas another time, hope you all have lovely days and even if I can't blog, I'll keep reading. Love you all xx

It's Christmas

Well here (the UK) it's half past twelve so Merry Christmas everyone :)

I always knew the festive period wouldn't be a thin period but I haven't gained much. What i have gained I hope its just due to my period and I should lose it again once I'm off.

I'm looking forward for today though. I haven't been, but today I started feeling a little christmassy and now I can't wait. Today also signals the start of a new me. I've made a list of new years resolutions and I'm going to start them early. I shall post them soon. Plans have been made and I'm sticking to them.

I've noticed how happier I've been without the ex. We shouldn't have continued, we were both unhappy in the relationship and I'm just so glad to be free. I just need to stop facebook stalking him. He's out of my life so I shouldn't feel the need to watch his every move.

I've re-discovered the Plain White T's. I used to listen to them and they were mentioned the other day so I downloaded their albums and I have to say, why did I ever stop listening to them? Amazing!

It's also getting surprisingly easy to eat less. Whereas before food would be in my mind at all times, now i have distractions in the male form. They don't realise it of course, but they are saving me. I thank them for that.

I'll post after Christmas day :) Wishing you all the best and hope you get lovely presents. xxx

So Close To The Edge

I am a mixture and variety of feelings and emotions. I cancelled my work experience. I went yesterday, some was good, most was boring. They don't have much on because it's near Christmas so I asked if another time was more appropriate such as in the Summer. She said "yeah that's fine."

So now i have more free time this week. Lets get the simple things out of the way. Work (not experience) was major boring. You'd think it would be busy, almost being Christmas and everything but no. I'm worried. The shop is sinking and I don't want to go under with it.

Got work again today, just had a shouting match with the sister because she wanted to go shopping and to the cinema but i simply don't have time to do both because I have work later. I wish she'd hurry up and grow up and realise that we have responsibilities in this life.

I gave my sister my old jeans which are too big for me, and it turns out they were too small for her! I know it's cruel but I feel like dancing or something at that thought. She's 4 years younger than me.

Guy from work (R) has been questioning our relationship. He keeps saying, what is this? I agree it is confusing, the amount we flirt anyone would think we were a couple, or at least liked each other. The thing is, I don't see him like that and he's still getting over his ex (maybe I'm still getting over mine?)

Last night we stayed up until 6 in the morning just talking and flirting. We've arranged to go out tomorrow, that should be interesting. He's a good friend and I don't want it to develop into something more.

The other person, P. I can't get him out of my head. I haven't been able to speak to him since (broken phone, lives reasonably far away) so I don't know how he feels. He's one of those people who flirts with anyone who will give some back, you know? I'm worried that's all I am to him.

I used to fancy him, before I got with the ex. At the time he fancied me as well but we didn't know each other well enough to do anything about it. Then I met the ex and... Me and P continued to speak and we've grown closer and closer. I think I'm liking him.

On the other side, i logged in to facebook, went on the ex's profile and he's already changed his status back to single. So that lasted, what? A whole 2 days! Was it worth all the being bitchy to me. No!

Also he's changed him little "about me section" to life is fucked up as usual. Okay, I crave attention sometimes, but he is the biggest sob story ever. At least I don't let the whole world know every time something goes wrong.

I should go talk to the sister. I'm seriously lacking in Christmas gifts and since it's only 3 days away that's something I need to get on top of... Unless my daddy loves me enough to take me places :P

Eating wise it's not good. I'm sure it'll settle down soon though. On the bright side my weight isn't really increasing, just fluctuation between 136-139. Once I'm back on track it should start going down again. :)

And BTW, thank you so much for your comments on my last post, your all lovely and you keep my spirits up :) Love you all xxx

How Do We Just Move On?

Anyways, so that explanation. Basically the ex removed me as a friend on facebook and set his status as in a relationship. He was only texting me the otherday, saying he had hope. This alone sent me to tears but it got worse...

He set his status to something like "My life is so much better than it was." When his sister commented he went on to say that he had got rid of one bitch in his life and now he's happier, his sister said what her? It's about time...

I cried myself to sleep.

It's selfish though. I don't want to go out with him or anything, but I don't want him to be with anyone else. I feel disgusted that he would even talk about me in that way when only a few days ago he was saying he still loved me. I didn't think it would affect me like this though.

And I'm the one who's supposed to have changed.

I think I'm going the wrong way about it though. I spend the day with best friend and guy friend (um,, P) It was a fun day. Then at another friends house me and P were flirting, and on the drive home we both sat in the back and cuddled up to each other.

I think I'm just attention craving. I'm major flirting with guy from work as well. I got a bit drunk last night just so i had the excuse to be more flirtacious. Uh Oh, I smell trouble.

Working all day tomorrow, and tuesday, and maybe Wednesday as well. Should be a good distraction. I think I need it... :)

Be Beautiful girls xxx

Kiss and Tell

I don't feel like eating. Just like getting insanely drunk.

Why is it when relationships end, they turn malicious? I hate Him. Update Later.

The Only Exception

First the depressing bit. The scales aren't being particulary friendly at the moment. I know this is my own fault. If I wouldn't abuse my body so much then this wouldn't happen. I'm back up weight wise and I know why. I've been happy recently and I use it as a reason to eat. And eat. And eat.

I work the weight loss tricks best when my mood is low. It gives me something to concentrate on. Something to achieve. Something which would make me happy. Then it all goes downhill again. This cycle is going to stop. Do I want to ruin all the effort I've put it!

Anyway, I got an offer for my first choice university! As long as I achieve my predicted grades at A2, AABB, then I'm going to Cardiff University Baby. Nothing is going to stop me then.

Hmm, this is going to take a bit of work. It'll be worth it. Anything that is worth something takes hard work. That includes this lifestyle I've chosen. Common, think thin and achieve it.

Also I'm getting really close to this boy from work. I don't like him like him or anything but it's nice to have a close friend again. He brings my mood up. I'm constantly texting/ instant messaging him. Other friends are teasing me, saying how I like him. Why isn't it possible to just be friends with a boy?

Film The World

What is the point in school if you just come in to watch videos for half the lesson and then leave. Wouldn't it be easier to just cancel the thing so we can have a lie in, and do something productive. Like exercise?

I haven't had a very good fast the last two days. I ate today as well. I still weighed 136.4 this morning so after I've got this eating thing out my system I'll go back to fasting.

It's not even binging. I'm keeping it to less than 1000 calories and I know what I'm doing but it's like, I can't not eat. Strange. It's not normally like this.

Cinema tonight and I'm not expecting to pig out on all the food. I'm eating, almost, normally. Okay, a little less than normally but still. As normal as it gets for me. I'll probably just get a drink.

When I come home I'm going to work my arse of exercising though. That's the plan anyway. I might miss school tomorrow as well, especially if all we are doing is wasting time. Why not start the holidays early?

I got my first university offer! All I need is 260 UCAS points to get in. Easy. I'm predicted 440, 560 if you include the baccalaureate.

I got news from another university too. I'm expected to go for an interview on the 27Th January. This isn't great news. I'm scared already and it's two days before my psych exam which means I have more to prepare for. Just what I need..

I'm offski, hopefully I'll be back on the fasting train soon. This is a blip. Thank you all for your support as well, especially Zephora who called me a thinspiration :) I don't think I'm that. Not yet anyways :P xx

You're In Love

This morning I weighed 136.4 lbs. A whole pound since yesterday. The thing is, I've weighed another three times after this and it keeps going up. I'm going to stick with 136.4 though because thats what I weighed immediatly after waking up.

I'm going to make this day productive since I'm not in school. So far it hasn't been sucessful but I'm going to do as much school work as I can until I have to go to work later. It'll help me stay away from the kitchen.

I may have to have something before work though. I'll keep it minimal, soup or maybe some toast. Definatly no chocolate.

Whens Lent? Maybe I could give up food :P

A Little Bit Of Hayley

I was ment to post this last night but the internet went down and I was too tired to do anything about it.
Hayley Williams ♥
NB: This isn't a picture taken at the concert yesterday. I Googled ;)

Paramore & YM@6 ♥ ♥

This morning I weighed 137.4 lbs. So not quite a whole pound lost but it's good enough for after only one day of fasting. I weighed just now as well and At 11.37 at night I still weight, 137.4 lbs. Not Bad.

That Paramore concert was tonight. Paramore and You Me At Six were amazing. I was near the front of the crowd. I was being shoved and elbowed from all sides. Trust me, I am in so much pain right now. But it was worth it.

Waiting in the freezing cold for three hours made my legs go stiff though so I was in pain before I even got in there. Then jumping up and down for about four hours. Let hope some calories were burnt in that process :)

They played a mixture of songs from their new album (Brand New Eyes) and some of their old stuff, which I love. And You Me At Six have got a new album coming out in January. Of course I was screaming the words along with the rest :P

I ate today. Doing so well in my fast, then I go and eat 5 small chocolate bars. I hate Mondays as that's when the food shopping is delievered. That's all I ate though all day, so hopefully tomorrow I will be down again.

No more eating until I weigh 134.

The concert was amazing thinspiration though. Hayley Williams is beautfilly skinny and their music attracts all the skinny emo/ scene kids. Exactually who I wish I could be. It's put me in an amazing mood and I'm even more determnined to loose weight.

I had a bath in the middle of blogging so I'm not so hot and sticky anymore thankfully. No school for me tomorrow, I'm spending the day "recovering." Besides. It's Christmas. The work we are doing is minimal anyways...

Through The Times

I appologise in advance, I'm probably going to be blogging more and more during this fasting period. :)

Its 12 (dinner time) and so fat I've survived. My nan has arrived to cook Sunday dinner for us all. The potatoes are my particular weakness. I have a plan though. I'm going to bring my food unstairs, cut it up and flush it down the toilet. That way, there is no evidence that I didn't eat it.

I just need the willpower not to shove the potatoes and gravy down my throat. It shouldn't be to hard, its only day one.

I'm keeping myself occupied by doing the school work thats piled p. Tonight I'm going to exerice for a full hour. Recently I haven't made it that long and I've been stopping at 45 minutes but tonight will be different.

I need to stock up on energy drinks for tomorrow. Going to a concert on no food for two days won't be the best idea so I'm hoping maybe some sugarfree Red Bull will keep me going. It normally does :)

Means to an End

Starting Date: 13th December 2009
Diet: Fast
Starting Weight: 138.2 lbs
Diet Length: Until I reach 134 lbs
Guidelines: Consume no food products.
All drinks must be minimal calories/ diet.
Total calories per day <200
Cheats: Only if I am dying of hunger.
10 Calorie soup in a mug

Let the weight loss begin :)

Making Changes

I seem to have hit a weight plateau, the scales seem to like hovering between 138 and 139. I can't do anything about it today, working an 8 hour shift. If I don't eat it's a nightmare and plus I'll have my manager on my case.

Starting tomorrow (Sunday 13th December) I'm starting a fast until I reach 134. Fasts are difficult for me with food permanatly on my mind but I need to do this to make the stubborn scales shift.

I'll post more later, I should be getting ready for work :\ x

On My Own

I'm doing really bad at the moment. Well, I say really bad. I have a few slip ups. But anything which strays from the plan is a disaster. I had a milkshake today. I Terry's chocolate orange milkshake. Disaster.

Exercised like crazy. Tomorrow is always a new day :)

Fighting With Herself

Go eat the Kit Kat, what difference is it going to make?
It's food! It's chocolate! It's calories.
Common, it's only 107 calories. That will take your total for the day to about 900, still way under your BMR.
But I eat the Kit Kat and I'll want more. I'll eat the kitchen until there is nothing left in the fridge or cupboards.
No you won't. It's a Kit Kat. Afterwards your craving will be gone.
I would have to make up for it tomorrow.
Yes, you can do that. Easy.
But what if I crave chocolate tomorrow. Or something more. What if tomorrow's a bad day, then I would regret that Kit Kat today.
You want the Kit Kat though. It would make you happy.
No. Being 100 pounds would make me happy.
You could still reach your goal! Your not getting there anytime soon anyway.
100 pounds. People who weigh 100 pounds don't eat Kit Kat's. They show self control. Giving in to cravings just makes myself seem weak and vulnerable. I want the self control that those slim people have. I want their body, a visible sign of their work. It's worth it.
But the Kit Kat.
No. No kit Kat. I can make this. I have to try.

Lying To Herself

I have exercised for the first time in, forever and now I have a lot of school work to do. Something always has to compromise, but why should that be the case?

At the moment I'm 139 but it's the evening so I better be less in the morning. I'm going to change the scales back to stones because that's what I was using before all this and seeing that 9 stone is so encouraging.

I'm fighting the urge to get a kitkat. I'm going to win. It's simple :)

Travelling Endlessly

Today has not been a good day.

It was going fine at first. I had the motivation I needed to get through the day with no food. Everytime I thought about eating I stopped and thought of the body I would have, the strength i could show and the confidence i am capable of.

How did it go wrong? I had a free lesson forth which is normally when people go in for lunch. Normally I go home during such occasions but my mother had told me I couldn't today because she would be out and she wouldn't give me a key.

I thought fine. I have no money anyway I can't afford food. But of course my friends were worried about me and offered to pay. I kept saying no until I couldn't any longer. I ate half a plate of tuna pasta and it was disasterous from then.

I'll write today off. This isn't going to bring me down. I was 138 this morning and tomorrow I'll make up for today and exercise! Something I never do, simply because I don't have the time. I'll get up early tomorrow and get on my wii fit so an early night for me because I won't be able to get up otherwise. I'm not a very good morning person.

I'm going to keep trying until I reach my goals. I've come so far already, why stop? Yes I'm angry at myself for today. But I've spent my time being angry, scared and upset now I'm ready to face the next day.

Thank you for the comments as well :) I find them really motivating. I'll try comment you guys when I gots some time xxx

I Absolutely Love Her

Ooh. Followers. That was a nice surprise. Hello :)

Today's going ok and it will continue this way. Its about 12pm and I've eaten about 300calories. I'll eat another 400 today at random times because that is supposed to keep your metabolism stable.

I'm filled with a new determination after yesterday's disaster. After writing down everything I can eat for each day, I'm determined not to sway from the list. No more chocolate, I had enough chocolate yesterday to last a lifetime (I'm not counting advent calender chocolate of course)

I was 139 this morning.

Lets plan this out a bit. I want to be about 134 for the concert. Slightly ambitious so I hope I can reach it. No. Determination. I will reach it. That's the 14Th. So the Christmas works party which is the 19Th I'll aim for 130.

I'll try and maintain this 130 until after Christmas when I will start losing weight again. Of course it would be amazing to continue to lose weight over Christmas but I think it's a little impossible. We'll see how far I can resist those Christmas temptations.

Determination. Motivation. Courage.

Since this was triggered (It's been triggered multiple times but this is the most recent) I've lost 20pounds. Another 40 pounds and I'll be a winner :)

My ultimate motivation is the New York and Washington trip. This takes place next year, April/ May time. I want to be at my skinniest for this holiday. I want to go on a massive New York shopping spree and come back with loads of tiny clothes.

100lbs please.

More good news. My learning coach has looked at my UCAS application and approved it. Now it just goes to head of sixth and I should start to get those University offers. Fingers crossed for Cardiff. That's the only place I really want to go.

I watched a programme on skinny celebrities yesterday which basically had a count down of the top 10 based on how low their weight was and how often their weight was discussed in the papers. I didn't see the top two, I was falling asleep. But it was a pleasant surprise to see how many of these skinny celebs are actually in the healthy BMI range. The low end but still.. :)

I Can't Escape

Ok, this is slowly turning into a weight loss blog. I can't seem to help it. Weight is such a big deal to me and it creeps into every thought i have. Calorie numbers fly around my brain whenever i pick up something to eat.

I'm back up on my weight after a binge yesterday. I'm so ashamed so I won't put how much I weight on here. It's too shameful. But I'm back on track and I will be 134 for the concert. That's a week today.

I need to make a plan to stop me from failing. Plans will always help. I hope. I call my eating days metabolism days because I'm not eating for the sake of eating. I'm eating so my metabolism won't stop working. Which means I eat something little every 2-3 hours.

This week's plan
Monday- Fasting.
Tuesday - Metabolism (around 800 calories)
Wednesday - Fasting
Thursday - Fasting
Friday - Metabolism (around 800 calories)
Saturday - Eating
Sunday - Fasting.

Ok, enough weight talk. My two fingers on my right hand really hurt and have swollen. It even hurts to type this. When are things going to stop going wrong?

This Is The Story ♥

All that hard work. Gone. This morning I weighed 138. I was thinking. Fabulous. Fasting day today and my weight will just keep disappearing. One high fat milkshake, McDonald's, chip shop visit later and here I am.

I have work tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating anything. Please let me see the number 138 again. I'll do better.

I'm going to a music concert on the 14Th. My aim is to be 133 pounds by then. That's 5 pounds to loose in a week and a day, should be easy so I'm determined to get there.

No More Weight Talk.

Work is getting better and better for me. I can almost call everyone there my friend. This is so unusual. If you know me, you'll know it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend because I'm not considered "popular" or anything like that but I value true friendship.

A friend isn't someone you talk to occasional if no one else is available. A friend is someone who you'd invite out with you, invite to your birthday party and talk to a lot of the time.

I don't have many friends.

So this work thing is a big deal for me. I talk to everyone in the store, and I really enjoy my job because of this. There are a few people I don't talk to because it's not convenient like they work in a completely different area to me. But I would talk to them if i could.

I brought my dad's birthday present today and I've given it to him. I haven't finished buying Christmas Presents though. It is so difficult. I'm not even completely sure who I am buying for.

I've spent the evening dwelling on my food intake and doing psychology work. My productiveness so far this weekend? Minimal. And I have work all day tomorrow. I've never worked a Sunday before. It's less hours which means less money but hopefully it'll be a little quieter than Saturdays :)

Changing subject

My Ex keeps making me feel guilty and changing his mind about what he wants. One minute he wants to be my best friend, the next he doesn't want to talk because it's "too difficult" for him. Sometimes he wants to meet up and go out, then he cancels. Whatever.

I'm fed up of you.

I spent last night looking after my sister's very drunk friend. Not my idea of fun. she reminds me of me when I'm drunk though. She was showing anorexic tendencies as well, and she's a skinny little thing. I'm worried about her. I know what it's like to be so weight conscious and she's only thirteen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so tired, going to wash my hair and maybe head to bed. Or do a little psychology work first, who knows?

Favourite Song of the moment: Nine Days - Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)

Remember Me ♥

It's better for the whole world to know you, even as a sex star, than never to be known at all.

1, 2, 3 ♥

Bugger. I promised this wouldn't turn into a weight blog but look at my last proper post. Oops. Sometimes it just takes over my life and I can't help it. I'm not at my target. I aimed 138 by today but I'm 139. At least I'm in the 130's. I can be thankful for that at least.

Yesterday all I ate was some pringles, advent calender chocolate and soup. I shouldn't have but I can't do I full fast or I'll break down and binge. I was being harsh when I set that target of 300 calories a day until after Saturday. Today is a metabolism day so its eat little and often.

138 tomorrow?

I went for a walk yesterday with the ex. It was quite awkward actually. More than I thought it would be. Plus I was freezing my arse off so I was getting grumpy and my Dad refused to pick me up. I got away with a child ticket on the train though :)

School recently is tedious. I cannot wait until University when I can leave sixth form and this house. It will be really good to have my own space. Not good though to be in debt constantly. That will need some getting useful.

I Want Your Everything ♥

I ate so much, I'm so worried. I was doing fine all day and then I went and ruined it. I don't even know why I agreed to go to the cinema I have loads of work to do. Just something different I guess. A hint at a social life.

Why does the cinema involve food? All sugar-fulled and nice. It's so unfair. I'm going to be such a fat blob tomorrow. I fitted into a size 10 pair of jeans today as well. Only just but I thought it would be enough to stop me binging.

I'm starting a semi-fast tomorrow lasting through to Saturday. Shall I say, 300 Calories a day? Including drinks because I don't like water. And as a reward, I'll allow myself to eat on Sunday. If I fail, Sunday will be a complete fast day and no drinks other than Water the rest of the week.

Please work.

Your Christmas Tree ♥

Just a quick one before I get started on this never-ending mountain of school work which I should be doing.

I have made work experience arrangements, just waiting for them to get back to me again with further details.

Work was fun. I started conversations with every person working. This may not seem like a big deal but it is for me, I used to be so shy it's unbelievable.

I've got so much to be doing but I'll try and update this later. I hate leaving such short posts because this is a record of my life.

First day of advent today. My chocolate was a Christmas tree :)