Travelling Endlessly

Today has not been a good day.

It was going fine at first. I had the motivation I needed to get through the day with no food. Everytime I thought about eating I stopped and thought of the body I would have, the strength i could show and the confidence i am capable of.

How did it go wrong? I had a free lesson forth which is normally when people go in for lunch. Normally I go home during such occasions but my mother had told me I couldn't today because she would be out and she wouldn't give me a key.

I thought fine. I have no money anyway I can't afford food. But of course my friends were worried about me and offered to pay. I kept saying no until I couldn't any longer. I ate half a plate of tuna pasta and it was disasterous from then.

I'll write today off. This isn't going to bring me down. I was 138 this morning and tomorrow I'll make up for today and exercise! Something I never do, simply because I don't have the time. I'll get up early tomorrow and get on my wii fit so an early night for me because I won't be able to get up otherwise. I'm not a very good morning person.

I'm going to keep trying until I reach my goals. I've come so far already, why stop? Yes I'm angry at myself for today. But I've spent my time being angry, scared and upset now I'm ready to face the next day.

Thank you for the comments as well :) I find them really motivating. I'll try comment you guys when I gots some time xxx

This Is The Story ♥

All that hard work. Gone. This morning I weighed 138. I was thinking. Fabulous. Fasting day today and my weight will just keep disappearing. One high fat milkshake, McDonald's, chip shop visit later and here I am.

I have work tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating anything. Please let me see the number 138 again. I'll do better.

I'm going to a music concert on the 14Th. My aim is to be 133 pounds by then. That's 5 pounds to loose in a week and a day, should be easy so I'm determined to get there.

No More Weight Talk.

Work is getting better and better for me. I can almost call everyone there my friend. This is so unusual. If you know me, you'll know it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend because I'm not considered "popular" or anything like that but I value true friendship.

A friend isn't someone you talk to occasional if no one else is available. A friend is someone who you'd invite out with you, invite to your birthday party and talk to a lot of the time.

I don't have many friends.

So this work thing is a big deal for me. I talk to everyone in the store, and I really enjoy my job because of this. There are a few people I don't talk to because it's not convenient like they work in a completely different area to me. But I would talk to them if i could.

I brought my dad's birthday present today and I've given it to him. I haven't finished buying Christmas Presents though. It is so difficult. I'm not even completely sure who I am buying for.

I've spent the evening dwelling on my food intake and doing psychology work. My productiveness so far this weekend? Minimal. And I have work all day tomorrow. I've never worked a Sunday before. It's less hours which means less money but hopefully it'll be a little quieter than Saturdays :)

Changing subject

My Ex keeps making me feel guilty and changing his mind about what he wants. One minute he wants to be my best friend, the next he doesn't want to talk because it's "too difficult" for him. Sometimes he wants to meet up and go out, then he cancels. Whatever.

I'm fed up of you.

I spent last night looking after my sister's very drunk friend. Not my idea of fun. she reminds me of me when I'm drunk though. She was showing anorexic tendencies as well, and she's a skinny little thing. I'm worried about her. I know what it's like to be so weight conscious and she's only thirteen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so tired, going to wash my hair and maybe head to bed. Or do a little psychology work first, who knows?

Favourite Song of the moment: Nine Days - Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)

She Glued Her Lips Together ♥

A Secret Between Friends Should Remain Between Friends. It's An Ounce Of Trust. You Should Treasure That.

I Messed Up, It's Not The First Time ♥

Damn it. I came on my period yesterday so that means there won't be any weight loss for about a week. Damn my period related food cravings. It's already showing. Before I knew I came on I ate crisps, chocolate, toast and dinner when it was supposed to be a starve day. I wondered why I was eating so much.

Today I had chips, and a can of coke, and tea of rice and curry. Loaded with calories. Just what I need. Hopefully this won't last long so I can go back to glorious loosing weight. I hope I don't put on too much weight. That would be disgusting.

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I'm enjoying being single. No tears this time. And I actually told someone the whole story between me and him. A, I trust her billions, I know she won't tell anyone. I said how he twisted everything because he was so good with words, and make me feel guilty for arguments when it was his fault. How I would help him with school and throw it all back with me by not even bothering to go to school.

His ways of manipulating my friends so that I don't even speak to one who I was really close to. He's doing the same now with the Best Friend. I saw them wandering around together today. I was thinking, One guess who they are talking about.

Whatever.

I'm happy though. I don't need that many friends, they're all users anyway. Someone last night gave me hope. Someone I used to talk to, I was never close to them or anything, but they started flirting with me after my facebook status went from in a relationship to that dreaded "Single."

He asked me out today and he asked if I want to go out with him on Sunday. He was telling me how pretty I am and how he's taking a liking to me. No I don't like him like that, and I'm not ready for another relationship, but it's nice to know that I am liked by other people and I won't be held back by past relationships.

Time To Move Forward.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my history coursework in my first two free lessons then I will go into school. I wasn't going to... Laziness. But I will and I'll do all my work. Motivation Needed! Actually, might go round my friends house and watch Gavin and Stacy instead. We'll see...

I'm going to buy a memory stick and label it me and him. Put all photo's in there and documents declaring our 'love' for each other. That way I don't have to face them every time I turn on the laptop. Or maybe I'll make a keepsake box and print everything out. I'll see :)

Never Forgotton.

Last thing. This one girl in my school is permanently spreading blatant lies about me. My mothers in a wheelchair and this girl makes up horrible things that I supposedly do to her. Yes, I don't get on with my mum but no, I'm not a vicious little cow unlike this girl.

Friends who I thought knew me are starting to believe her because she said that "she was there." What is even the point in completely lying. There isn't a single truth in her words. I'll invite people round, tell them to ask my mum if they want because she'll set them straight. childish little cow. I'm furious because my mum is friends with her mum but yet she won't say anything about the matter and this involves her too... I told my dad and he immediately said "I'll sort it."

That's why I love him.

I Wanna Smell Like Roses ♥

Well, that changed. Me and him are no longer together. This is the last break up. There is no way in hell I'm going to go back to him, he showed his true colours.

We had an argument and it was clear that I didn't want to talk to him. So he followed me home and my mum let him in. He of course came into my room and refused to leave. He followed me downstairs and continued to bitch to my mother about me when I went upstairs. He then forced his way into my room and started preaching at me. As I was trying to get him out he pushed me back onto my bed and stormed out.

I hate him.

Seriously though. Why did I let myself get back into that situation? Why wouldn't it just be left after we broke up before. It's only been 2 days and we're back to square one.

What really annoys me though is that when we were going out he would bitch about me to my friends, turning them against me, He did this to E and the best friend at one point and as a result, I no longer speak to E. He is the reason we drifted apart.

I hate him.

He promised he'd do the same thing now I've split up with him. at least if he goes to some of my other friends, they know the true story from my side. Problem is I'm a very private person so any problems, I normally keep to myself letting them build up and up.

Eight and a half months over, just like that. And as a result I relapsed and phoned my Dad to take me to the Chip shop. Luckily, he was busy working and already had dinner. Now this has happened it's going to take extra work keeping my weight down. I was 141 pounds this morning. That is an amazing achievement.

I hate him.

This blog at the moment has all been about him basically. Well now he's out of my life, things are going to change. He is no longer going to affect me. Goodbye boyfriend, hello old friends and hobbies. He Can't get in my way now.

I'm not going to let him...

My Fingertips Are Holding On ♥

I have found the Song which is perfectly relevant to my life at the moment. Well, my relationship anyway. I did a little updating of my ITunes and one was an artist which I used to listen to religiously. I had forgotten about this song but it explains things perfectly.

Foundations by Kate Nash

Yesterday work dragged. My best work friend (A) was making fun of me the whole time because of the new boy. He was showing off basically. "Look at me I'm the big man who can make fun of everyone." I wasn't happy. As soon as the new boy left though, A was back to normal, having heart-to-heart talks with me and expecting me to help him with his job.

How Predictable.

It just goes to show, that it doesn't matter how close you think you are with your friends. It's never real. I don't think I trust any kind of relationship anymore. Family, Friendship, Love. All it does is hurt you in the end so you might as well indulge them for a while but always remember. They're nothing special.

Your in it alone.

I can tell this blog entry is going to be all depressing, feeling sorry for myself. I'm in one of those moods. I can't seem to be happy. I've been angry at the boyfriend, the sister, a friend and random people today. One of those days.

I saw New Moon this morning. It totally lived up to the expectations. The best film I have ever seen, defiantly the new favourite in my books. The love between Bella and Edward. I wish I had something like that. It is unimaginable. It shows how much people who love you can hurt you though.

I Cried.

I've eaten my whole body weight in food this weekend as well, so that is what is affecting my depressive mood. In work, they had chocolates in the canteen, and I couldn't help myself. One, Two, Three, More... Came home from work and ate chips and curry sauce from the shop down the road. Then the cinema today. Chocolate. Pringles. Sugary drinks.

I'm not going to eat for the next 2 days. At least. I'll only start to eat again when I have reached 142 pounds. (It's back up to almost 145.) I'm so ashamed. It takes me weeks to lose weight and then Boom. One weekend where I've overindulged and all that hard work has gone.

Damn it.

Tonight I'm going to tidy my room and do some homework. It's time to get back into old habits. Since going out with Connel I've let myself go. Gained weight and stopped wearing as much make up. Let my room get into a state and my school work is lagging.

The 20Th Century Is When It All Changes. And You've Got To Be Ready.

You'll Make It On Your Own ♥

Me and my boyfriend met through my best friend. We got together too early, before we really knew each other and that ended early. But we tried again. At the start we were happy. Blinded by love I guess. We spent every minute we could with each other and I never stopped talking about him. Literally, every day I would catch the train to Barry Island to meet him. He is my first proper boyfriend and the one I lost my virginity too.

It's been eight months now, and things are a little different.

He lived with my for a long time during the Summer. I think that's when the problems started to happen. Until then we had never argued, not a cursed word about the other had passed out lips. But suddenly he was invading my space and I had no room to breath. I lost contact with my friends, they stopped inviting me out and they moved on. Without me. I was really unhappy.

The argument started. He moved out but continued to stay over my house many times a week. The arguments just continued and it never got better. We started to see less and less of each other but still the arguments continue. I barely see him now, only in school but every time we're with each other the atmosphere turns sour.

Some relationships just naturally come to a close.

I know it can't continue like this, we have tried to make it work. My selfish nature is keeping him hopping along beside me. I simply don't want him to be with anyone else. He is the one I lost the most precious thing to and I won't be able to handle it if anyone else has him. He's mine.

He text me. Thinks we need to 'talk.' Maybe he'll do the dumping for me, so I can pin my upset and blame him. Of course, that's selfish. I don't want to let him go but we are both unhappy in this relationship and It's not going to work. I'm going to meet him later and this time, i won't ask for another chance. This relationship has run it's course and it's time for closure.

It was Lust. Not Love.

Part of me knows the need to let go. The other part wants to keep holding on to the little that remains. I keep thinking, I'll be alone for Christmas. What about the Paramore concert that we're supposed to be going together to? I don't want to be alone during the Summer. I need someone to love me.

But this. It can't be love. Love is an eternal emotion, not something that you can easily let go off. If this is love, what have we got to look forward to? Turmoil? Upset? Disaster? We are just two separate people, joined together and it's not making us happy like it used to.

We can still remain friends can't we. I never want to forget, he has been a huge part of my life. No, don't forget. Cherish the memories. We're not meant to be together and I'll find someone new soon enough. Or maybe later in life, when I have matured and know what Love means.

Love is such an important emotion but yet the words are tossed around as if they are nothing.

Be brave. You can get through this. Take baby steps.

"You say, You've got to live alone. Though it hurts, You'll make it on your own."