Making Changes

I seem to have hit a weight plateau, the scales seem to like hovering between 138 and 139. I can't do anything about it today, working an 8 hour shift. If I don't eat it's a nightmare and plus I'll have my manager on my case.

Starting tomorrow (Sunday 13th December) I'm starting a fast until I reach 134. Fasts are difficult for me with food permanatly on my mind but I need to do this to make the stubborn scales shift.

I'll post more later, I should be getting ready for work :\ x

This Is The Story ♥

All that hard work. Gone. This morning I weighed 138. I was thinking. Fabulous. Fasting day today and my weight will just keep disappearing. One high fat milkshake, McDonald's, chip shop visit later and here I am.

I have work tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating anything. Please let me see the number 138 again. I'll do better.

I'm going to a music concert on the 14Th. My aim is to be 133 pounds by then. That's 5 pounds to loose in a week and a day, should be easy so I'm determined to get there.

No More Weight Talk.

Work is getting better and better for me. I can almost call everyone there my friend. This is so unusual. If you know me, you'll know it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend because I'm not considered "popular" or anything like that but I value true friendship.

A friend isn't someone you talk to occasional if no one else is available. A friend is someone who you'd invite out with you, invite to your birthday party and talk to a lot of the time.

I don't have many friends.

So this work thing is a big deal for me. I talk to everyone in the store, and I really enjoy my job because of this. There are a few people I don't talk to because it's not convenient like they work in a completely different area to me. But I would talk to them if i could.

I brought my dad's birthday present today and I've given it to him. I haven't finished buying Christmas Presents though. It is so difficult. I'm not even completely sure who I am buying for.

I've spent the evening dwelling on my food intake and doing psychology work. My productiveness so far this weekend? Minimal. And I have work all day tomorrow. I've never worked a Sunday before. It's less hours which means less money but hopefully it'll be a little quieter than Saturdays :)

Changing subject

My Ex keeps making me feel guilty and changing his mind about what he wants. One minute he wants to be my best friend, the next he doesn't want to talk because it's "too difficult" for him. Sometimes he wants to meet up and go out, then he cancels. Whatever.

I'm fed up of you.

I spent last night looking after my sister's very drunk friend. Not my idea of fun. she reminds me of me when I'm drunk though. She was showing anorexic tendencies as well, and she's a skinny little thing. I'm worried about her. I know what it's like to be so weight conscious and she's only thirteen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so tired, going to wash my hair and maybe head to bed. Or do a little psychology work first, who knows?

Favourite Song of the moment: Nine Days - Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)

I Want Your Everything ♥

I ate so much, I'm so worried. I was doing fine all day and then I went and ruined it. I don't even know why I agreed to go to the cinema I have loads of work to do. Just something different I guess. A hint at a social life.

Why does the cinema involve food? All sugar-fulled and nice. It's so unfair. I'm going to be such a fat blob tomorrow. I fitted into a size 10 pair of jeans today as well. Only just but I thought it would be enough to stop me binging.

I'm starting a semi-fast tomorrow lasting through to Saturday. Shall I say, 300 Calories a day? Including drinks because I don't like water. And as a reward, I'll allow myself to eat on Sunday. If I fail, Sunday will be a complete fast day and no drinks other than Water the rest of the week.

Please work.

Your Christmas Tree ♥

Just a quick one before I get started on this never-ending mountain of school work which I should be doing.

I have made work experience arrangements, just waiting for them to get back to me again with further details.

Work was fun. I started conversations with every person working. This may not seem like a big deal but it is for me, I used to be so shy it's unbelievable.

I've got so much to be doing but I'll try and update this later. I hate leaving such short posts because this is a record of my life.

First day of advent today. My chocolate was a Christmas tree :)

Get Up, Go Out ♥

Nice relaxed weekend over with. Hello stress and worry.

I haven't done any work for English tomorrow and I'm so worried he is going to use it against me. He's warned us that we have to keep on top of things and he has already reported someone in our class to head of sixth form. I'm very worried.

I haven't done any work for the other side of the English course and I have no direction to go in. It's so confusing, I have about half the work that everyone else has and I have no time to catch up. It would be pointless anyway.

All my psychology notes are jumbled and confusing. My exam is in January and I don't even understand the questions that are going to be on the paper, plus I'm missing notes for some of the essay questions. Ready to Fail.

In Psychology today the teacher put us into random groups for research work. I'm with the one person I hate the most in the whole year. That ignorant little cow who's been spreading lies about me. I was thrilled to see this when I walked into the room. Not.

Sociology lessons are pointless. The teachers just rant at us while I soak nothing in. I basically doodle on my paper or play on my phone. This is not going to help me when it comes to exam time as I will have no notes whatsoever.

History is OK. I need to type up my notes and organise my books a bit but I'm not particularly behind in it, I just have trouble remembering some of the work so I need to spend more time on that.

I spoke to head of sixth today regarding my UCAS application. Basically, it's a waste of time applying for one University I put down as I'm not good enough. My first choice might also be a no-go area because my grades may not be good enough. I'm predicted A,A,B,B plus the Welsh Baccalaureate which is equivalent to an A. What more do they want from me?

I also need to arrange some work experience as soon as possible so I can put that on my statement. Experience is essential. Why wasn't I told this before? Like I don't have enough to do at the moment.

I need to start driving lessons and I should be looking through theory stuff if I want to pass as soon as possible!

I have temporarily given up eating while I sort out my work. I've been ranting at my ex-boyfriend whilst letting myself slide further and further down. Time For Action. I'm going to give myself goals and deadlines which I have to stick to. I'll make a new post for that.

This is a tough time for me so fingers crossed I come out on the other side.

Teach Me The Games You Play So Well ♥

I'm finding this motivation thing difficult again. The motivation to do school work comes and goes from me. Recently, I had found it again. Now I'm struggling to sit here and trawl though everything. I wish I hadn't offered to work tonight as well, but that's life. At least it's going to be a short shift, starting at five and finishing at eight. So it could be worse.

I didn't go to school today. I got into an argument with the best friend last night because she believed the lies that's been spreading around about me. I've known her for seven years, and been best friends with her for 4 so you would think she knows me. But her response.

"But she said she was there so I didn't know who to believe."

I wasn't in the mood for school today. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate anyway. I gave my folder to another friend to give in to the office so my work won't be marked as late or anything and my absence is authorised as my mum phoned in for me. Thank you mum.

I Messed Up, It's Not The First Time ♥

Damn it. I came on my period yesterday so that means there won't be any weight loss for about a week. Damn my period related food cravings. It's already showing. Before I knew I came on I ate crisps, chocolate, toast and dinner when it was supposed to be a starve day. I wondered why I was eating so much.

Today I had chips, and a can of coke, and tea of rice and curry. Loaded with calories. Just what I need. Hopefully this won't last long so I can go back to glorious loosing weight. I hope I don't put on too much weight. That would be disgusting.

One Step Forward. Two Steps Back.

I'm enjoying being single. No tears this time. And I actually told someone the whole story between me and him. A, I trust her billions, I know she won't tell anyone. I said how he twisted everything because he was so good with words, and make me feel guilty for arguments when it was his fault. How I would help him with school and throw it all back with me by not even bothering to go to school.

His ways of manipulating my friends so that I don't even speak to one who I was really close to. He's doing the same now with the Best Friend. I saw them wandering around together today. I was thinking, One guess who they are talking about.

Whatever.

I'm happy though. I don't need that many friends, they're all users anyway. Someone last night gave me hope. Someone I used to talk to, I was never close to them or anything, but they started flirting with me after my facebook status went from in a relationship to that dreaded "Single."

He asked me out today and he asked if I want to go out with him on Sunday. He was telling me how pretty I am and how he's taking a liking to me. No I don't like him like that, and I'm not ready for another relationship, but it's nice to know that I am liked by other people and I won't be held back by past relationships.

Time To Move Forward.

Tomorrow I'm going to do my history coursework in my first two free lessons then I will go into school. I wasn't going to... Laziness. But I will and I'll do all my work. Motivation Needed! Actually, might go round my friends house and watch Gavin and Stacy instead. We'll see...

I'm going to buy a memory stick and label it me and him. Put all photo's in there and documents declaring our 'love' for each other. That way I don't have to face them every time I turn on the laptop. Or maybe I'll make a keepsake box and print everything out. I'll see :)

Never Forgotton.

Last thing. This one girl in my school is permanently spreading blatant lies about me. My mothers in a wheelchair and this girl makes up horrible things that I supposedly do to her. Yes, I don't get on with my mum but no, I'm not a vicious little cow unlike this girl.

Friends who I thought knew me are starting to believe her because she said that "she was there." What is even the point in completely lying. There isn't a single truth in her words. I'll invite people round, tell them to ask my mum if they want because she'll set them straight. childish little cow. I'm furious because my mum is friends with her mum but yet she won't say anything about the matter and this involves her too... I told my dad and he immediately said "I'll sort it."

That's why I love him.

My Fingertips Are Holding On ♥

I have found the Song which is perfectly relevant to my life at the moment. Well, my relationship anyway. I did a little updating of my ITunes and one was an artist which I used to listen to religiously. I had forgotten about this song but it explains things perfectly.

Foundations by Kate Nash

Yesterday work dragged. My best work friend (A) was making fun of me the whole time because of the new boy. He was showing off basically. "Look at me I'm the big man who can make fun of everyone." I wasn't happy. As soon as the new boy left though, A was back to normal, having heart-to-heart talks with me and expecting me to help him with his job.

How Predictable.

It just goes to show, that it doesn't matter how close you think you are with your friends. It's never real. I don't think I trust any kind of relationship anymore. Family, Friendship, Love. All it does is hurt you in the end so you might as well indulge them for a while but always remember. They're nothing special.

Your in it alone.

I can tell this blog entry is going to be all depressing, feeling sorry for myself. I'm in one of those moods. I can't seem to be happy. I've been angry at the boyfriend, the sister, a friend and random people today. One of those days.

I saw New Moon this morning. It totally lived up to the expectations. The best film I have ever seen, defiantly the new favourite in my books. The love between Bella and Edward. I wish I had something like that. It is unimaginable. It shows how much people who love you can hurt you though.

I Cried.

I've eaten my whole body weight in food this weekend as well, so that is what is affecting my depressive mood. In work, they had chocolates in the canteen, and I couldn't help myself. One, Two, Three, More... Came home from work and ate chips and curry sauce from the shop down the road. Then the cinema today. Chocolate. Pringles. Sugary drinks.

I'm not going to eat for the next 2 days. At least. I'll only start to eat again when I have reached 142 pounds. (It's back up to almost 145.) I'm so ashamed. It takes me weeks to lose weight and then Boom. One weekend where I've overindulged and all that hard work has gone.

Damn it.

Tonight I'm going to tidy my room and do some homework. It's time to get back into old habits. Since going out with Connel I've let myself go. Gained weight and stopped wearing as much make up. Let my room get into a state and my school work is lagging.

The 20Th Century Is When It All Changes. And You've Got To Be Ready.

I'm Breaking Through These Walls ♥

Ok, I don't want to turn this into a weight loss blog like my last one was but weight is definitely a huge issue in my life so it may dominate some posts. I had an eating day today, this is to stop my metabolism from slowing down so much that I don't loose any weight. But I haven't lost any serious weight in ages. I wish I had the time to do more exercise...

This weekend I don't have much compulsory school work to do, so I'm hopefully going to spend my time doing non-compulsory school work which still needs to be done really. Things like sorting out folders and typing up my messy notes. I've started. I'm aiming to go to bed about 11 ish tonight and I'll do work right until then (It's about 8.45 now.)

My last lesson was cancelled today so I was hoping I would be able to go home early and start to type up some notes. But no. Turns out I had missed quite a bit in my Welsh Bac folder and the deadline is today. So I spent my lunch and my last lesson completing that! What a waste of time. I bet I'm not even in the sample. I never am. And I still forgot to give in my check for the America trip and to get the module names of my sociology teacher so I can finish filling in this freaking UCAS form.

New Moon is officially out! I cannot wait to see it, seriously. I've planned to go to the cinema with my sister on Sunday morning to see it. I'm so jealous, some people from school went to the midnight showing last night. They were all dying in school of course but it would have been so worth it. I can't wait to gaze at Jacob's gorgeous body.

Yummy!

Got my ITunes on at the moment. It's in serious need of updating, that's another job for this weekend. Katy Perry is Love. I forgot how good she is. My music taste seems to change daily, one minute it's Panic! At The Disco and the next it's Cheryl Cole. Strange. Buy anyways ITunes has just over 100 songs so updating that might take me a while. Saturday night? I think so.

I'm not seeing the boyfriend again this weekend. I haven't seen him all day either. Maybe he'll get the message? I feel so cruel but I've never been in this situation before. I don't know what to do to be honest. I'm a novice in this situation.

Why Can't He Do It For Me?

I'm drinking Ribena to reduce my hunger cravings. Not really working if I'm honest but it's keeping me distracted. It's too late to eat. My body won't have enough time to burn of the calories so it's just not up for consideration.

Oh Yeah. Something I just remembered. Me and my best friend spent ages waiting in the Sex Clinic yesterday (she had an appointment. Not me!) When she went in, I left to get picked up by my Dad. She rang me afterwards and told me her darkest secret. Seriously no one knows. To be honest, I wish she kept it that way. I wish I didn't know.

I'll write it on here, no one will know who she is anyway. She has some kind of Bladder infection which means she can't always control her bladder. So basically, she wets herself. She wears those pad things for old ladies in her pants - permanently! I didn't want to know this. She took her pad out for the swab and she wet herself.

I feel so guilty because it makes me want to stay away from her. I know she can't help it, and I would never have known unless she had told me. But It's a bit weired and I can't get over it.

Some things should remain a secret.

I have work all day tomorrow, but my best work friend is in, so hopefully he will be able to stop the day from dragging too much! I don't want it to be busy either because then I'm just rushed of my feet, I get tired and I tend to binge eat when I get home. Not a good thing. Shouldn't be too bad though.

I Think This Weekend Is Going To Be A Good One.