This Is The Story ♥

All that hard work. Gone. This morning I weighed 138. I was thinking. Fabulous. Fasting day today and my weight will just keep disappearing. One high fat milkshake, McDonald's, chip shop visit later and here I am.

I have work tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating anything. Please let me see the number 138 again. I'll do better.

I'm going to a music concert on the 14Th. My aim is to be 133 pounds by then. That's 5 pounds to loose in a week and a day, should be easy so I'm determined to get there.

No More Weight Talk.

Work is getting better and better for me. I can almost call everyone there my friend. This is so unusual. If you know me, you'll know it takes a lot for me to call someone a friend because I'm not considered "popular" or anything like that but I value true friendship.

A friend isn't someone you talk to occasional if no one else is available. A friend is someone who you'd invite out with you, invite to your birthday party and talk to a lot of the time.

I don't have many friends.

So this work thing is a big deal for me. I talk to everyone in the store, and I really enjoy my job because of this. There are a few people I don't talk to because it's not convenient like they work in a completely different area to me. But I would talk to them if i could.

I brought my dad's birthday present today and I've given it to him. I haven't finished buying Christmas Presents though. It is so difficult. I'm not even completely sure who I am buying for.

I've spent the evening dwelling on my food intake and doing psychology work. My productiveness so far this weekend? Minimal. And I have work all day tomorrow. I've never worked a Sunday before. It's less hours which means less money but hopefully it'll be a little quieter than Saturdays :)

Changing subject

My Ex keeps making me feel guilty and changing his mind about what he wants. One minute he wants to be my best friend, the next he doesn't want to talk because it's "too difficult" for him. Sometimes he wants to meet up and go out, then he cancels. Whatever.

I'm fed up of you.

I spent last night looking after my sister's very drunk friend. Not my idea of fun. she reminds me of me when I'm drunk though. She was showing anorexic tendencies as well, and she's a skinny little thing. I'm worried about her. I know what it's like to be so weight conscious and she's only thirteen. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm so tired, going to wash my hair and maybe head to bed. Or do a little psychology work first, who knows?

Favourite Song of the moment: Nine Days - Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)

1, 2, 3 ♥

Bugger. I promised this wouldn't turn into a weight blog but look at my last proper post. Oops. Sometimes it just takes over my life and I can't help it. I'm not at my target. I aimed 138 by today but I'm 139. At least I'm in the 130's. I can be thankful for that at least.

Yesterday all I ate was some pringles, advent calender chocolate and soup. I shouldn't have but I can't do I full fast or I'll break down and binge. I was being harsh when I set that target of 300 calories a day until after Saturday. Today is a metabolism day so its eat little and often.

138 tomorrow?

I went for a walk yesterday with the ex. It was quite awkward actually. More than I thought it would be. Plus I was freezing my arse off so I was getting grumpy and my Dad refused to pick me up. I got away with a child ticket on the train though :)

School recently is tedious. I cannot wait until University when I can leave sixth form and this house. It will be really good to have my own space. Not good though to be in debt constantly. That will need some getting useful.

Get Up, Go Out ♥

Nice relaxed weekend over with. Hello stress and worry.

I haven't done any work for English tomorrow and I'm so worried he is going to use it against me. He's warned us that we have to keep on top of things and he has already reported someone in our class to head of sixth form. I'm very worried.

I haven't done any work for the other side of the English course and I have no direction to go in. It's so confusing, I have about half the work that everyone else has and I have no time to catch up. It would be pointless anyway.

All my psychology notes are jumbled and confusing. My exam is in January and I don't even understand the questions that are going to be on the paper, plus I'm missing notes for some of the essay questions. Ready to Fail.

In Psychology today the teacher put us into random groups for research work. I'm with the one person I hate the most in the whole year. That ignorant little cow who's been spreading lies about me. I was thrilled to see this when I walked into the room. Not.

Sociology lessons are pointless. The teachers just rant at us while I soak nothing in. I basically doodle on my paper or play on my phone. This is not going to help me when it comes to exam time as I will have no notes whatsoever.

History is OK. I need to type up my notes and organise my books a bit but I'm not particularly behind in it, I just have trouble remembering some of the work so I need to spend more time on that.

I spoke to head of sixth today regarding my UCAS application. Basically, it's a waste of time applying for one University I put down as I'm not good enough. My first choice might also be a no-go area because my grades may not be good enough. I'm predicted A,A,B,B plus the Welsh Baccalaureate which is equivalent to an A. What more do they want from me?

I also need to arrange some work experience as soon as possible so I can put that on my statement. Experience is essential. Why wasn't I told this before? Like I don't have enough to do at the moment.

I need to start driving lessons and I should be looking through theory stuff if I want to pass as soon as possible!

I have temporarily given up eating while I sort out my work. I've been ranting at my ex-boyfriend whilst letting myself slide further and further down. Time For Action. I'm going to give myself goals and deadlines which I have to stick to. I'll make a new post for that.

This is a tough time for me so fingers crossed I come out on the other side.

Skeleton You Are My Friend ♥

Ok, my recent Kate Nash addition is officially over. I go through these stages where I'm obsessed with one particular thing, and won't do anything else. It could be music, films, people, hobby or even a particular subject which interests me. I'm not exactly sure what my next obsession is yet. I'm sure I'll soon discover it.

I've gained weight this weekend. I'm not too bothered because I know I can loose it throughout the week. Hopefully. I noticed my chest bones today. Beautiful bones. I'm still not slim enough though. My mum thinks my dieting days are over which is good. My eating in front of her is working then. Tomorrow I shall make a starvation day then Tuesday I'll eat as little as possible. Wednesday shall be a normal eating day. Thursday a starvation day.

138 for Friday please.

I want to get back into photography, but my favourite model has gone out of shape. Me. So Loosing weight will hopefully inspire my interest back up again.

I can tell I'm trying to change who I am. I've dyed my hair darker. It's the first time I've dyed it so I only used a semi-permanent dye. Next time I'm going to try black. I'm also buying clothes I wouldn't normally buy. I brought blue jeans today instead of black. They're still skinnies but they're a different colour. A new coat as well. For me! I hate coats.

I'm re-making myself.

I've had a really good chilled weekend. I probably needed it. The result? I'm behind on school work again. I think it was worth it for me to cheer myself up. I've been so stressed recently, under pressure to reach others and my own expectations. Now I've had a break, I can go back to it!

I've just found a girl from school is promoting herself as a photographer. Actually looking for photography work. I wish I could do something like that. She took photography for an ALevel though, I did not. She has more experience than me. I was not allowed to pressure my hobby as a career. My parents would have been highly disappointed in me.

Living up to their expectations.

Ew. I've got 4 warts on my hands, what am I? Some sort of witch? It's truly disgusting. I've put stuff on them which makes them itch loads. Life is cruel.

Saw New Moon for the second time in the cinema today. I didn't really want to but the sister was insisting. Last night ?I watched Paranormal Activity. It really freaked me out, but didn't have any lingering effects thank god. I was not afraid to go to the toilet, unlike my sister :)

I'm back on talking terms with the ex-boyfriend and the best friend. I hope this lasts I really don't want anymore arguments.